Why our concept of masculinity is ruining boys before they become men [video]

This is so true, I thought the 20,000 people visiting me should know.....

It's Christmas-'jingle goes the bell'

While the bells jingle away, I remember way long back....a story i had read where the little girl struck a match stick to get a glimpse of Christmas.[ The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen.]
Maybe beside your window pain there is a little girl/boy who's striking a match on Christmas eve.Nothing ever happens but their hope never burns out.

The air is filling with nostalgic carols as the snow's thickening outside.I can still smell the baked cakes.Every house is celebrating with light,cakes,gifts.And yet not everyone.

Never Mind!

Where life ends,
A day begins.......
In which we believe,
We'll pay for our errands,
In which shall be the decision made,
But what about this today?

Everyday,
Every single day,
In  a very silent way,
We kill ourselves,
Murdering our voice,
Curbing our choice,
Making life a day of death!

A Dream Away.....

When I was a child,
I dreamt,
Of flying to the sky,
Of living in the sea,
Of seeing something beyond reach,
But I didn't know...
What it would be like...



When I was a child,
I dreamt,
Many others did,
Like the Wright brothers who gave us wings,
Like the Little Mermaid who gave us wishes,
And deeds that gave us tremor,
Yes,beyond reach is a different thing,
But as I grew up,
I came to know,
That even a fair world,
Was but just a dream!

afraid of losing.....

Here I stand,
like a devilish moron,
feeling like an idiot,
when it comes to my mind,
re burdens me with the inequated equation
of losing something,
before knowing whether i own it......

But what must  i do,
when even your thought brings to me a smile,
or brood over the oblivious truth,
of your inexpressive courteous ignorance?

Far away....

In an LDR people hardly think of the hardships....often they eat on bonds and yet there those fairytales!
LDR=long distance relationships



Far,so far away you stand,
When I last saw you from the airport,
Peeping through the long glass doors,
As I walked in a swift pace,
To escape my tears.....

It's been a long time,
Since that day,
And today,
There has been no one else,
Never ever,
Some have been good but never good enough,
I never could like someone as much I did love you....
or still do........

Birds of paradise.....

Like this I burn,
beauty that approves of me,
the red hue of sun that kisses me,
the buildings that row old with me,
the waters that rhyme with my footsteps,
And the guy who still awaits my approval,
All this happen,
And I stand here,
untouched,unhealed,unheard,
Away so far from you,
In this distant land,
from that very day,
we were probably married....

I still think of the day,
as a dream come true,
But yet again may be it was a dream...?
Was this the destiny of a woman,
who never betrayed,
stood in the way of no barrier,
obediently nodded,
And then said nothing when we got married,
thinking you were as sincere as i was,
But I hear of you no more,
My calls go unanswered,
If it's so different,
So difficult,
make it easy for both of us,
Tell me the bitter truth,
before my age dies waiting for what must never happen,
Living in hope of what never was.....
Tell me so the rest of it can be clear,
So the remaining can be better than the worst.....
before I stop imagining your silhouette.........
before the birds of paradise dryout....

-in memory of a friend(SONIA)

5 rupee today

As usual as a day is, the same way I got off the autorickshaw, payed my fare and proceeded towards a neighbouring shop. Pop!The money in my hands......it exceeded 5 more rupee. The first thought gave me joy but the very next-it was someone else's hard earned money !The dilemma had evaporated in no time, the auto gone.....I had to keep the money.SO, I decided to do something with it.....what?
My co-mates soon looked at me with greedy eyes so obviously it could make a feast for them.But as adorable as I am,I sternly refused.I wanted to pay it to someone needy...now not greedy!
So it was decided,on the way any beggar or child or mother in need of fooding,clothe or shelter shall has a contribution from me.The way was searched from corner to corner but no-one, not one person seemed to beg that day-like it was a wealth overflow day.Surprised and astonished more I succumbed to the revolts of my co-mates(just 2).Very well.....we went into the neighbouring shop full of all types of items from chocolates to hosiery.We looked every where from item to item and turned them over.....to find an mrp of rs.5!But where to?NONE!Some said rs50/- some rs10/- but never less.For once I had stopped to notice how things had come easily to me and I could cry for dresses that must have been far more expensive and here I was unable to find a rs.5/- thing?At first I thought I could get many things but the real scenario seemed so much different!
I decided against the fun food treat spending adventure.I would give it to someone who might live another day with this-because the world outside was much demanding.And we were sustainable!.....I still have the note-anyone out there?Not really....on the laptop-but i'm sure I'll find someone v.soon. 

A life on the verge of death

The white bed sheets spread wide and far,

The smell of spirit overwhelming,

The saline reducing to bubbles,

The ECG line going straight,

In a while I run through every moment.....

The child I was.....

The orange peel on the terrace

And the sibling fights we had,

Then the rush of anger,

And then the fear of losing each other,

Then hugging each other so tight.

The guava tree I climbed,

The fruits we had,

The race of our lives we ran

When the gardener saw us,

The glass we broke....

The time we stood together,

When noone spoke out a name...

The first time when I realised,

Love was beyond attraction,

The first time when I had a healthy but broken heart,

Everything was wasted......

I had time for none,

I lived till this bed,

To become something that i expected of me...

I can hear and see everyone moving,

So terse is their action,

So swift is the doctor's,

My fate will soon be decided,

While the few last moments ,

I can skim through what I am.....

The first time I saw my mother cry,

I knew their was nothing more painful,

The first time I saw a butterfly fly,

I knew their was nothing more colourful,

The first time when I travelled alone,

I knew their was nothing more comforting

Than a father's care,

The first time my sister left me,

I knew I didn't want the room for myself......

And here today I smile,

I smile at the journey,

from orange peel to room,

When my tender heart grew strong,

To know the difference between ignorance and innocence,

To live upto myself,

To have all of 24*7 for the best people in life,

To have wasted not a single moment,

This one life was worth it all,

Very few get a chance to die so happy,satisfied and lucky.....

Why bring a child into this world? - A film by Unilever

Worthless

I've heard ample times,
The screeching sound,
The gossips that say,
I've got them bore,
I'm not fun loving......
ironical...how I just define it my different way

I'm glad I can see a tear skip your eye,
I'm proud I'm who I love,
I'm ecstatic when I see few people smile,
I'm having fun the whole day,
It's just that you've never been here,
in this world of mine,
Where blood is only biology,
And relations are  heart felt!

I've learnt that respect,
is not a slave of age,
I've learnt that smiling,
is not a slave to money,
I've learnt that peace,
is not a slave to big houses,
I've learnt to struggle,fall and get up again.......
And all this while smile,
just so I can enjoy the smile you wear,
And you say I'm not a fun loving person?


Life may end any day,
even tomorrow,
I would be depressed,
for the million smiles that'll be undone,
But satisfied for I had my best....
And you say I'm not cool?

....I don't live life....I live in everyone.......

Most Hated

Hating is easy,
I've hated my mom,
I've hated my dad,
I've hated relations,
I've hated family.....
But can it be so difficult for the practiced guy too?

I hate you for all you are,
I hate you for the air you carry,
for the perfume you spray,
for the goosebumps I get,
for the hair that brushes past me,
for the life you breath in me,
for the hatred I loose....

Were I so beautiful,
I would not hate myself too,
But here I am,
An untouched soul,
A bastard born,
An orphan sold twice,
wrath to save my skin,
And in many way dirty,
Yet I feel.......
I can hate beautifully.....
And you musn't take this away,
Who are you?
Why do you create my life in a whole new way?
That I cannot recreate myself,
Infact one that will leave like you will very soon.....

precious platinum

The childhood days often wipe out of our minds into thin mist of the past, the favorite moments left for us to draw strength during failure.I'm here today on the typing pad because of some of these tormenting pieces.
The bits that I may put forward before I once again gain my composure.
....
When I woke up today morning,
my pillow lay wet,
The corner of my eyes not dry as yet,
The window lay open,
And the cool breeze pinning me onto my bed......
was it a dream again?
Those tormenting dreams?.
....LEt me take a break......leave me...let me live!!!!
This by far my gravest incident had landed me with the psychiatrist and then on I donot shout out my fear!
Today was the same day once again........only the torment lay within, I felt like a lonesome self crying to be freed from within....but the outside lay calm,composed like an ideal self.
The rain outside seems to dull the feeling within me......a screaming self I can feel.....the rage searing in me.
Unsaid words can leave you insane and today in a wild world I was getting married, my mind frail, unable to comprehend the pace,left in the backyards of my dreams....in sober pensive mood.The animal within me had to be released, everytime it tried to soar high!It was a painful sight, how I fought with myself to tame the untamed beast, to make my self a slave to the society.I, and only I had the key to the dreams.....the psychiatrist was trying to snatch from me.
I was getting married,no tears,no feeling-I was numb.No interest,no challenge,no emotions,no word-the water was rising beyond the marks.A plan had materialised, a well-planned chalked plan that would cure me in 2months time.Rashir was overenthusiastic over it, he being an absolutely great guy.I often thought may be he too should know what I do but again he might still not leave I felt.
On the terrace  I stand, flashbacks of the good times comeback.When rain wasn't acid rain, when life was nothing more than small quarrels and games,when I felt omnipotent when the rain stopped when I wanted to play,when going to college was nothing more than friends.And there in the crowd we came across some beautiful days.....where we swore over our lives and wouldn't part till death.The wet grass came floating by,the ten of us lay on it.We had spent our sleepless nights over  counting stars and making dreams and then again we had moved onto the devilish night.On that very trip I had lost everything-atleast everything that lasts forever.Naithl had hidden my ring while we played 'HotCold game'.The soil was wet and even after two full days of searching, nothing was to be found.I can see how he comes to me and gives the same kind of ring, pretty good forgery I could see but I had more in that than the price......it could never be replaced!Naithl had lost my faith.....along with that I lost the rest.Everyone out there never knew why or what but they apparently said Naithl had done his best!
It was an antique ring, one that my grandmother had found in her teens.No one had she told save me . I had worn it on every second of my life  from the time she left me, it was like she was close to me.Then on everything changed....ample forgiveness could not change what had gone wrong.The bond remained intact, words remained unsaid yet we had parted.What's App wasn't where we met, our hearts still cried out of reach other but the lost ring tormented me, every night, every day, I had lost the right to live I felt.
My brother's distant voice brings me back.From the terrace what I see, I cannot believe....I can see a face I had seen twelve years back.I'm in an unstable mind, I hush away the mind with a wave. What I had lost was more than the ring,Naithl was my best mate and he never got to know that-i wasn't sure if that was good or bad but today when things had turned upside down,there was noone I could remember more than him.
I was known for the impulse way too back and the doctor said I felt intensely and that it could be madness.But I knew how it was for me either nothing or a great deal.I really would feel intensely and impulsively but I had the courage to do what I said, to live and die for the ones I loved.And in the mad 10 group we each felt just in place, noone judged us,we were all faithful and Naithl was my best pal.Infact I often thought may be more.Half apart we had spent our lives in distinct areas, different places,diverse cultures and never seeing eachother had softened my heart.Anyways it was fragile the doctor would say.

I once again glanced into the crowd below,Naithl wasn't there-now it was right,the ideal mundane life expects this.Time was racing , only few moments were left for the ultimate death.My voice suddenly cracked.Naithl was right in front of me.I could see nothing more then....I think the other 8 were also there.
I don't know how or why but I flung my hands around him rambling all that came to my mind.It was far too difficult to keep it all to me for the past twelve years.I felt light at once even though I wept.Naithl hugged  me so tight-like we usually did and then whispered in my ears.My eyes lit at once and I was ready to escape.It was a funny moment, a sudden thought but you know I felt intensely and was far too impulsive!Naithl was taking me to the ice cream parlour we often went, I felt it was so right-half concerned of the timid Rashir.Once there we hopped to get the best new flavor they gave discounts on the month's first and now things got serious-far more than I could take.

Naithl took out a  platinum ring all shiny and new.I was taken aback,every guilt redeploying in me!I at once got furious but before I could leave Naithl caught my hand.He said in a calm brilliant posture,
"It took me twelve years to bring back your smile,now you will not leave!".I closely strained to look at the mark,. it had a stone missing.....it was the same old ring that I had lost.....not the new one.I wasn't sure if it was me but as I am impulsive,I did marry him.Rashir was a good guy but he could never know how intensity was not madness,how obsession was an expression.And here i am , I type with my platinum ring......one tha must never part!!!!!!!

ambitious me

Can ambition be a barrier to ambition?
"What an odd ques" said Adrid.
I so detest the feeling that creeps into oneself when you are in the mid of getting something and feeling confused about having it.

So, it does happen~
When all of a sudden,
a sudden offer -a dream job that expects you in a different location in 2days,
a sudden departure of innocent love,
a sudden life compelling decision,
a sudden exposure to adult manipulation,
a halt, a start, a stop or a pause,
and today when life is set to fly,
to break through the barriers that you always thought you wanted to drift by,
you don't know if it was all you want.
I don't know how to touch the inner heart,
to wriggle it -it's not the end,
there's more to achieve,
more to do,
and life is more to live!
The strong self who once proudly pronounced,
how denounced her dreams were,
are shaky of what is to come,
how the precious time has been wasted or dumped?

I was today given the job of a dreamer,
when i suddenly saw my sulking self,
what entirely took hold of my commanding self was unnamed
but something was wrong,
An untimely responsibility,
An unbelievably pensive mood set in,
And the fire seared my heart,
A question kept questioning me,
Was this all the end?
Was it worth what I lost?
Was my love lost in worth?
Was there a price of all those things I left behind,
Why does my mind go back to the life I've left,
The floors that have cracked,
The rivers that have tried,
Why do I dig the dried soul,
To savor the untimely leave,
To paint a new pic,
To bring the impossible,
To say the last words once again,
That I always miss....
But somewhere beneath this lies me,
Where the old soil smells fresh,
Where the heart is still humble,
Where the tears aren't dry,
Where life has a meaning more than bravery,
Where my missed last words are counted,
Where the me is not afraid of failure,
Where I don't need to prove anything,
And back there I will always return,
To the dearest of places,
Our home not house,
Where all dilemma shies,
Where I breadth again,
And looking into those huge gates,
think whether the things I left back may be waiting for me too..........



So I can thump my feet with the music on ....
may just...just once again

long live

Long live the soul that cries,
The window that creeks,
The bird that sings,
The milkman that comes,
The life that you reap;


The harp is sober,
The gentle wind blows,
The listener is bored,
Of the mundane day to go;
But sits here I,
The wannabe robot,
A slave to life,
Listening to the life around,
My ears are alive,
So touched by the not-so-mine life....
Wanting to be a part of it,
Living near but not being a part;

Sober life I ask you today,
Do we live or crave for what you donot give me?
Or is it meant to be this way?
The time never strikes here,
Destiny I know has a watch,
Have I crept into the wilderness of death?
Or have I met my fear?



The train surpasses me,
chuckles at my state,
Bringing back the wounds so fresh,
My laughter that hurts today,
I am old under the burden,
I feel like releasing it asap,
But destiny says life was meant to be so,
To live the burdens and smile in doing so;
I disagree....I smile at him,
When destiny cries I smirk at him,
For may be I cannot change my hands,
But I can make it a little more fun,
Everyday under a new era,
I wish to be a part of today,
To rethink the past,
To place it in today,
To undo my follies,
To redo my success stories,
And in between I donot know what I lose,
Some that I do know must never leave my thoughts,
They live in me,a part of me,
And here I am by the railway side,
A long wait for the left to come.....

Lost in the willows,
I repeat my question,
Do we live or crave for what you donot give me?
Or is it meant to be this way?
The time never strikes here,
Destiny I know has a watch,
Have I crept into the wilderness of death?
Or have I met my fear?
.....The hot air blows...A loud creek says another train is yet to come..

Soul departure

The hours have flown,
The clock has struck,
before I realised the dawn of the day;

The part of life,
I've visited so much,
Must now be ready for a volatile flow,
But yet again I think of the moments,
I've wanted to have with you again;

The past is reapless they say,
The present is where I must stay,
I die or do is not the fact,
But the run is the the job;

The worries gone,
The hopes lost,
With premature departure,
And hopeless peace;

Not anxious anymore,
A pensive mood,
All oblivious to the fact,
That life has smacked the smoke;

All airy things must now be left,
All great thoughts must be submerged,
And into this great world I leave a trail,
One that I had thought of so much,
Not as a trail,
But A lot more than that,
But time doesn't wait,
For hesitations or luck,
For I harboured feelings is not enough,
For the cloud must say,
That it will rain,
And now its over all at once;

A mix of feeling,
Both happy and sad,
A depressing desire which says you were better,
But a hardening fact,
It's time to leave.....

It's all a fable,
from small to big,
And the puzzle remains unsolved,
Too much time u've taken I'd say,
And now the things have twisted and turned!

patience tears(2)

The child I've been,
The follies I've made,
The people I've let go,
And the ones that used me,
Somewhere somehow I know I've lost a lot,
But gained much more;

I pity the small,
Who let the innocent be crushed,
For they know not,
What they have lost,
And yet again,
I feel them small,
For they know not,
How they must trust;

An ample incidents,
A rapid journey,
Four years like on the train,
But every moment brought a grain,
That nurtured, nourished and got drained;

I have never fallen,
Never loved my college in true,
For I was fast paced,
Looking for a different cue;

But then by chance,
I was shocked to see,
How these petty human beings,
Could arouse in me so many a thought,
Not knowing what happened,
I unconsciously did,
Fall in love with the life it bred in me;

Cheerful friends-some with a distinct taste of humour,
Some so serious-they scorched the soul,
Some so simple-they laughed for me,
Some so jovial-so I could smile.....
Everything I surpassed for the few years,
Besides, I thought everything would end but like a dream,
But as it happened i never knew,
They made a place,
Though very few;

I had made a core so hard,
It was not difficult but impossible to feel,
To touch the soul that lied in great depths,
It was a cold line that shrouded me around,
And even then the worst thing happened,
A persistent piece with all it's tricks,
Had drawn my eyes,
Who's absence had made me anxious,
My soul, I could hear it beat again,
But I remained in the cold world i belong,
Ignoring the fact I never accept,
I never will,
For I doubt the world around me,
A chance that can break who I am,
And from there I may not return!
But yet I know the price of faith,
Even if it breaks, I gain a lot,
Irony has made a statement so sure,
It gave me friends but no further could I endure;

So subtle was everyday,
It came like a game,
Challenges brought,
Responsibilities laid,
Rough and dreary was the path,
And today when it's over,
I feel it more a loss!

-As told by a friend

Patience tears

It is a weird feeling when something gleeful and sour happen together........u don't know whether to smile or to just cry, it's but a time where u have no choice, u must smile and yet it is just fallacy!

Intrigued is my mind,
The soul is mostly apart,
I cannot choose within the smiles,
That mark my words or read my mind......

It is a rare occasion,
And yet it's common now,
For in this struggle I see myself,
Flowing into the rush......

Nothing to care,
Nothing to say,
Just hurrying so I am not crushed,
But here my heart beats so fast,
It cries to stop my haste,
For knows it within,
What passion it holds,
The mere existence it cannot fake....

A life has been ruined,
Filling up mugs of expectations,
A torture it's taken,
No knowing how it succumbed to it.....
And deeper and deeper it drags me in,
My heart it aches,
Wants to run...away....where it could start again.....

I have no regrets,
And yet I do,
For what I did,
I have this lot,
But for that old fact,
I lost my track.....

Bent I am,
Now life gets the better of me,
Is it because I'm not where my heart aches to be,
Or it is because I refuse to be a part of this?

I have a story,
Millions of them,
Some r known,
While some r untold;
I had a life,
A four yr side,
It meant a lot and lost a lot,
I regret it not,
For the friends I got,
And yet I know,
The corny fact,
The heart is not patient anymore,
It refuses to run at the race anymore.......
It gives a thud,
And i fear it's nearing it's last,
I consoled it yet "a little long",
But it has faith no more,
There it must rest in solace..
The future untold ,
The dreams unread....

-As told by a friend

juvenile siblings

emily-Oh brother where to do you go,
        When you promised me your time?
          Life has changed i say,
           Before I had never to say,
           Have I made your day-.....

     ......Looking back you stare,
           Deep into the wilderness,
           As if something it is you lost,
          From where your roots had been cut......
         Melancholy fills my self,
          I've seen you distant and grey,
        Has the world changed for us?
         I stand right here,
         Like 20yrs back,
          When we played in the sun,
         Fought the village son,
         And made the run...
         Everything together,
        Nothing ever surpassed our minds,
         It was own or not,
       Then y today does it matter,
        Just my being here-is that not all anymore?
        Does the 'name' have so much to do.....
        It lies before my hands?

Charlie-You, my sister,
            My every breath is for you,
            It is not you or your deeds that bring furry,
            But the soul that has been untaught to ignore,
          What blood in me run,
          Is my sombre soul-,
          I lay unknown to the facts of life,
           And treat this as my home,
         But all of a sudden,
         Things seem to be gone!

Emily-Beloved brother,
          It sums up to the same,
          The choice is yours,
          My love or your blood,
           The love that remains,
         Or the blood that destiny had abandoned,
         Nothing makes you save yourself,
        Your decision shall be accepted,
        And if so, I'll be gone!

Charlie-Rest a little while,
           I'm not here to run,
            Even now,if i close my eyes,
          I see me playing in the grass,
          Rolling in the clay,
         With a smile all along,
          And in it you are the only part,
         Who cared whether I laughed or cried in pain,
          I cannot deny what i know today,
           But beyond this place,
           I know, One thing,
          Without you......life is not fun,
          Lifeless I am without my son,
         So much am I without you,
         I donot choose,
          Destiny does,
          But I'll stand beside you,
          Whether it is death or not!

Emily-I smiled.....now the riddle must be gone,
           "So what does it mean?I'm here to stay or be gone?"
        I hugged him tight after only aday,
        But felt like years.....
       How can I be gone?
        I cannot live without this man-i thought.....

Charlie-No ones going anywhere I say,
             Go to hell with destiny,
           We're not knitting balls,
           That destiny shall kick us over all,
            We decide to stay.....here,
           That I have called home for 20yrs,
          When blood has denied and love has beckoned,
          How can I part with you..
          Dear sister,
           Oh!Emily,you are the ruler of my heart,
           But I am annoyed....You haven't told me of 'nevil'
       

            ...Oh!And I *blush* ....


-As from the heart of a brother and sister when suddenly the brother gets to know his blood line is not the same as his sister.....he's from the forest tribe, left desolate and unclaimed..

reflection

Have you a mirror,
That asks you your deeds?
Not the one like
Snowwhite deals
But the one that asks you your deeds..

Everyday I've asked myself,
For what I did,
What I had meant to do not,
And yet in desperation,
I happen to break it through..
It's harsh on me,
Or my conscience so true,
Or was it my innocence I curse too much;
Never be afraid,
To admit who you are,
The world will listen,
Once you are here,
Here, where the mike resides,
There I may be someday,
But I fret not on that,
It's the mirror the scares me,
That causes me to reflect,
On the worst thoughts I try to forget,
To drain away any illusion,
That might have crept........
But here again,
It is so weird,
The world that is a stage for equivocation;
It leads us to be normal,
When we're crying within,
And asks us to laugh low,
For the spotlight may be here,
On the ebbs of the bay,
I promise myself,
Never to compromise with who I am,
Never to regret all that I've done or felt,
For the true person does not fear,
And the world listens to her,
Even when she's not at the mike.........

Silence has a voice,
Deeper than any decibel,
It reverberates through air and water,
It breaks my mirror into pieces,
And rips my soul apart!
So what if it comes at a price,
The world has it heard!

The untreated vent

Oh the vent......have you heard of it?
It thumps with every beat
And brings back those painful deeds;
Have I a strong memory
Or is it my heart that speaks?
Of distant dreams,
Of heavenly bliss....
Where reality fails to be??

On the contrary,
My brains it thunders,
Have i not said "u've made a blunder?"
Hurled back into its seat,
And thumping it says,
It's you who tells,
I listen to your commands,
I erase it everytime,
From RAM, ROM and all,
But you simply won't give me the keys
To your trivial heart Database trees-
They simply cause a normal being,
To become frivolous and blue,
Least assured are you;

The mind doth fight,
The soul doth cry,
Several times they've had this fight.....
Weary is my heart,
Of cholesterol no?
But silently it knows,
I cracked a joke,
For I weigh only forty,
And live on 2 meals,
For it has endured,
What destiny had not.....
And then the final goodbye
Can only be a choice,
When the lithium battery is taken away,
The life eth end,
With a simple thump,
With less sorrow more anxiety.

The last lines.....

The damage had been done,
The time spent,
The money gone,
And the trust broken.....

I stood there,
All alone amongst the crowd,
My girlfriends cheering me up,
Their parents giving them a chance,
I had nothing but a failure feeling,
My whole life broken into pieces,
To see all that i thought was just a vision......

The streets wet with rain,
Hopelessness spread wide and far,
The wind sounding of the turmoil,
That is to come......

The jostle this morning had said,
The bride in the pretty white gown,
The wedding bouquet so perfect,
The best day must go in vain,
Had I not the right to have a day to myself once?....just once.?....

The groom has arrived,
His eyes talk of tears that fill his eyes,
I see him as dependable ,
A person on whom the world depends,
He fought all night at the border,
To give the world a peaceful sleep,
But it's a desperate sight today,
He holds on to others.....
He clasps my hand
Blood oozing like whisky,
Stares into my eyes,
And says those words,
For which he breathed so long,
 "Pls forgive me!"......

The water ripples

Into the forest,
I've wandered,
Hither thither,
To find another glimpse,
Of the unerring soul;
In the hope of a new,
Of watching you from behind,
Knowing well you'll never know,
Knowing well u'll bid me 'adieu'!
Into this river,
So many times u've driven me,
And yet again,
I'm right behind,
Aroused my senses are with the morning dew,
And a numbness that proclaims-
my peculiar pose,
A human body musn't bear!
Your face,
yes, the glimpse,
I so long for,
Everyday....every same day of my life,
That's lost with the trails of your forgotten soul;
Into the thin air you disappear,
I've lived along,
To feel ur mist,
To challenge death,
To make a deal,
To give you a life,
In return of mine,
"Fair enough?", I asked him in the face
But death laughed and shooed me away,
I've been there.....
Whenever ur not here,
And now I shrivel up,
Under the thought of giving up,
Giving up seeing you everyday,
Living that same life,
Over and over again
But with a new zeal,
That came from you.......
'The ripples'...
I can see the ripples,
Right there,you see that?Mean ripples,
They disfigure your face,
And I cannot take it;
This is the time,
According to legend,
I must drown to give you life,
Reborn then will be a new life,
All yours, nothing mine.....
But all I fear is the life I'll give,
My shadows must never overshadow you,
I must remain behind the Oak always,
Like I've always been,
And not even the earth shld unfold to you,
The story of 'ripples to life'......

One last time,
Your face on the still waters,
The ripples are spreading wide and large,
'goodbye',my friend,
You are free today from your tomb!
But as fate must beckon misfortune to take a cake,
Emmily Bristells rose from the dead,
Into the dead she remained,
Half living and half dead,
Knowing the fact full well,
How the oak had been witness to all good and bad;

Legend has in it,
"Into the ripples if you vanish,
The dead shall rise from it's dome;
From the dead if u rise,
U must live as ur image,
Bt with the memory of who pledged it's bitter soul into you,
That nature had not acknowledged"
Death stood there,
A smirk in the eerie sphere,
Dogging the paradox,
And culling it's powers!

The father - A tormented soul

Had it been a better day, had I not lost my job, had I made a better bet at money, had I been a better son..........I might not have known what I am now.....

The tension freezes me,
The thumb twitches,
The doctors are crowding all over,
My wife is laid back in those white sheets,
She's suffering so hard,
I've so many times said it's not worth it,
That she was more than anything else;
And to face her today,
where I had nothing save the hospital bill money,
Treachery!Life is so unjust
And now I'm scared,
Every passing moment I ask
      "doctor will she make it?"
And the morose just treads away
Leaving me guilty of my deeds!
My hands are cold......
I can feel my self no more,
I cannot but lose the only thing left,
My love, my wife......
I am running,
 Through the spirited corridors,
I must tell my wife,
Assure her,
How things will be fine only with her living
And nothing was more important......
She was my angel after all!
I just rushed through the door.....!!!!
'wooff!' there she is ....
All shrivelled up, panting and sweating,
I had heard her cry
But more pain I will not let her take,
I will not......
But then........something so weird happened,
I almost feel selfish,
along with the moron I am,
Look at that life,
breathing.......small leaf like fingers and eyes that look up to me
So much , so severely it says how I made my folly
By taking her into my arms,
I could not but stop myself......
I looked up, my wife smiling at me.....she was okay?
After all this?Why do women want to be like men?.......
they are so much better and I hate to accept it- I am not as strong as her!
But i'll be........for the life that thrives in my arms....,
It looks into my eyes with so much faith,
I cannot break it-my heart pounds......
It's not bliss of being father,
for I'm not unless I can full fill all I must as a father-but I will,
My wife's not crying anymore
But my child is smiling with every salt water drop that she drinks,
Yess!I am the one-crying,
Now I know what it is to be a man,
Not like before this moment,
When I thought doing 'manly' things made me a man,
Look at what I have.....bliss beyond expression,
I am the luckiest man on earth,
To this angel I promise........
I have not seen anything better before,
Not been a part of life so intensely,
Never felt more important,
And I will slog each day,
To keep your smile on those delicate lips,
And dare anyone tried to hurt you,
He's dead!!!!!!
I cannot but say how this day is my best day!!!!!How I just cannot say but it is for certain!!!!

-The story of a Man.....

savoured in my ROM !!!!!!!

A dull, weary day. My forehead has sweat particles testifying the IT(ofc.) pathway. As most workers in INDIA, earning huge bucks quitting less lucrative(more creative) offers, i'm here at the BPO. It has been a rainy yet sweaty day, typical of 'city of joy', Kolkata. The weather kept pace with my peculiar sceptical mood. Ironical it is that I should attend so many calls a day but lately my phone doesn't ring that number much. Vidhi walked by me but today she was on one of the plenty dates she's on. It hit me hard, some time back, this 'DATE THING' ! As it is I hate this 'male gender', doesn't mean i'm not interested in men but sometimes I think nunship was made for me. And here it is......every time I leave my building, I stand face to face with my man. Can our state be so oblivious to the mind? He seems to smile and I start thinking of the first time, what created all the gap?What made this so 'this'?

Mostly, I arrive at a 'he is egoistic, arrogant and lot's more....have you forgotten......' and the list goes on! But my lawyer brain says I dig for the guilt of my victim.
It's been quite some time.....I hit my head hard but the frenzy continues-He's still standing, all wet. I hate this urge to run and hug him and make up for once and all.......and yet it is just in my thought.....or no! I can touch it, I mean can I feel in imagination too?.....'OUCCHHHH' That's HURTING.....PINCHING....STOP!!!!

It was him, real this time. Wait did you meet him? We'll tell you on the way~
"Let's just forget for once who I am and how you know me, I have a part of your dream and now you can make it a part of mine by just agreeing to ride it", said he.
In front of me was this marvellous yellow car glistening in the street light - a TATA NANO (What  did you think, big bucks aren't that big!! humble human roll back to earth). I stop dead-'is he reconsidering?But he said forget how we knew each other', I hushed it aside-this time, this one last time I just didn't want to think, I desperately wanted to be with this man without expressing so.
The rain dwindled to drizzles and I let the window down. We crossed the congested area and now into the free untouched lands of new town. The green is thick and in darkness only the stars seemed to be trustworthy.Sometimes I felt I might cause myself harm but then I listened to my heart and it only purred!
I can feel my wet hair being caressed, the action we first met with. Everything is boundless here and the possibilities too! For once, I am enjoying the uncertainty. The cold breeze is cutting into my skin and yet I'm excited, warm and smiling! The car is zooming by the small fireflies-hush, I can fly as if......and THUD!
"Why did you stop?"
"We've reached our destination",he said.
I crept out of the cosy crumple and saw around. It was a lonely empty land stretch.
"what's here?"
"Look closer", he said.
I did. The smell of wet earth aroused my senses, the long stretch into darkness looked weirdly unseen,the wide wide unending sky with twinkling stars all over and the cold breeze-a bizarre atmosphere.He checked his watch and screamed "Look!"
The sky was on fire-the meteor shower.'WOW!' we exclaimed! We sat down on the wet grass and I didn't realise how I ended talking the day's talk so comfortably. I am speaking my heart out and here's the man I challenged of sincerity simply smiling. I still remember he hasn't been sorry but deep within I don't need it!
He's lent me his overcoat, it's pretty cold here. We are walking slowly towards the car, I am dragging my steps. Inside the car, I adjust to a comfortable cozy pose. He's got some rolls from the nearby dhaba which we munch on. The journey back has started. I am sleepy and as I adjust my seat, I find a card. A closer look and I'm wide awake-It's a wedding card!!!!!Can you believe it?A wedding card in his name ........
"what do you think I am?What was all this?", I am shouting, the anger back with a bang.
I am furious......how could I have been so wrong? Mother had told me so many times!!!I feel like an idiot !

I have stopped the car midway and I'm storming into a dark unsafe journey ahead.
My soul comfort I can hear steps following me close by and shouts 'wait!Your not listening'.It's him. After all this I am still delighted by his company is making me hate myself.
He's grabbed me by my arms and I'm facing him.Look at the guts these guys have!....I feel like smacking him in the face!But he looks so weary.....worn out-was he marrying by force, I thought!
He came closer, stood so close and encircled me, opened the card and there it was
Mr.Aditya Mitra weds Ms.Anya Paul
This is why they say 'Look before you speak!!!!'

Didn't get it?.....Hello mam, I am Ms.Anya Paul , how may I help you?
                               
You may visit here->facebook.com/AmbiPurIndia
                                                                         ****

a silent night

I walk past the lamp post,
Across the window pane,
And stroll on......
rollover a rock
And stare into the hollow alley,
In the distance,
A light shone.......
And it's  a silent night......
And as it approaches,
It passes by,
No!It's not this one.....
It's still  damp,
The white bench wet,
The night freezing cold,
I walk past the lamp post,
Across the window pane,
And stroll on......
And it's a silent night......
And here I sit by the side,
Looking into the distance,
Now no light fading though,
Only hopes scattered into the darkness....
What keeps you from the promise,
My dear friend,
What worries me is,
What has become of you,
Why have I not seen you yet,
It's past time.....
I walk past the lamp post,
Across the window pane,
And stroll on......
And it's a silent night......
You know not much time in hand,
I won't be able to stay any long,
THe clock's ticking,
And this time I can't let others down;
I walk past the lamp post,
Across the window pane,
And stroll on......
And it's still a silent night......

o woman

There's constancy,
And impulse,
Your mood swiping your face
from shadow to smile
But everything like an open book,
So genuine;
One moment your here,
Next your not,
Imagination overtaking you,
And laughter so real,
Like happiness comes easy,

And then again your so pale,
A wondering thought
straining your temple....
Passion redefined,
deft is nothing,
Serene, sensitive and sincere,
Moody as ever,
Yet so pure.......
When no one's there,
Some could catch a glimpse
Of you dancing waltz,
And yet again
Your that hard face
concealing yourself,
Even so true,
scared of fallacy.....
A blush across your face,
A flash of swiping your lock aside
And the expression missed,
All anew .....
Eyes searching for suspicion
and then your calm,
when no one's gone with your secret,
Satisfied with ur ingenuity;
No thing goes away
when u set ur eyes on them,
The dreams in your eyes shone,
Never giving up,
And sometime one can see
Your free spirit out in teh space......
Moody as ever
But so real , so humane .....
 O , teh woman in you!

i'm drunk

Not a drop of alcohol,
Not a step misplaced,
Yet amazed
At how i'm dazed,
And not in place....
Not a drop of alcohol,
Not a step misplaced,
Yet i'm right here
Where I was sometime back
As I look into your spanish eyes,
I'm lost
And not found in the 'lost and found' box,
HEre's my hideout,
to look into ur spanish eyes,



Not a drop of alcohol,
Not a step misplaced,
Yet i'm lost
In this buzz
Into ur spanish eyes,
In a world serene,tranquil and mysterious,
My rendezvous with you,
Don't look away,
For
Not a drop of alcohol,
Not a step misplaced,
Into your spanish eyes,
I'm drunk;

acquaintance

I'm in this fear,
overriding every fear in me,
This very fear of moving apart,
Of losing all that I had from here;

The end of an era,
I'm not so fond of,
Yet by the end,
Where I had gained so much,
And had little to leave;

Yet when I think,
Think about the random days,
When I cared not for anything,
Somethings got noticed,
While some didn't
And then I got used to noticing;

And then when I think,
Of the building,board or chalk,
I think i will miss them not,
But the acquaintance I got used to;

Strange but I hardly ever spoke,
Strange how I used to avoid the genius,
How I was harsh on myself ,
To keep me safe,
And now at the very end
I realise I will miss what I associated
So long, so easily......

I won't say I was wrong,
For what I thought best I did,
For what my temperament did was
Nothing more that genuine,
And nothing could be more right,
Yet I see this ordinary thought,
That brings a joy and fear in me
That arouse deep revolt in me itself,
I know a fact I wouldn't like to express.......
A fact difficult to face,
An acquaintance at times leaves
A mark more than the space intended.........

the nostalgic yr and a terrible sem

Well this'll be just for my friends-found anew and with every true friend I find a new self in me!
The truth is we don't make our friends , they make us........And there is this other truth,
I will probably nt miss college bt the life/moments in which there ws this certainty that I'll reach my friends every damn day!............freaking I'm using such words bt I just said smtimes we're nt  who we think-infcat no one's constant only robots can .....
I've kind of lived every moment/day in this last yr of college- I let go of anything that beholds me(well mostly).......and yes it was fun. I was bad, i was good , i was lovely and ugly......I was true and mostly what matters I just bought me sm moments and sm friends money can't buy!
I once gave all my faith to some friend and believed in her with my soul and then to be bad to her is soo difficult......bt this time I've decided 'No more parasitic growth' for the sake of sympathy.2 Chances and awful forgiveness could not teach her to be true, then nothing can. And I really hope she never harms any of my people again or I wouldn't take it!
I came to know a few people whom I'd been judgemental of  and yet things were so much different. Some of them kept deep secrets-they completely hide themselves from the world, some who I never thought wld really care can call me to say how a good news cld be saddening because it meant leaving me(god!I'm on cloud 9) and I am nt depressed because I'll nt be a part of the race(that wl be soon i knw) bt because we'll run on different lines. Well, right now b4 my exams of whc i knw nthing and am unable to study due to present circumstances I really hope all this genuinely remains genuine all my life-I got to know people good and bad ........and i'll stick to them and they to me-The bond of friendship so redefined!
The race is different bt parallel may be........I'll make them merge sooner or later for we live for this day nt fr a millionaire~fr we know what it is t care and nt be afraid of it anyway!
~love,
my friends


At every level i've found new friends and each of them shows me something new in me........It is amazing hw we hardly knw ourselves and every time I see a new me through them.Not that I donot exist without them bt it's like we're so much more free, boosted and secure whn we are together.Maybe we can't be together always bt I don't believe in may be s .....I just knw if u want it it can be done.-So wl meet up i'm sure 

i promise u.....

While listening to this song 'i promise u' I just thought I didn't quite agree with it completely although the intensions of the singer are more genuine than ever!

"I promise u

from the bottom of my heart

I will love u

Till death do us part"

                             -backstreet boys 

Apart from relations i.e. romantic -on a more general ground can death part us with the ones we've been really attached-probably no.Infact the thoughts can send shudders right now and it always will. The relations we were born with and sought absolute selfless love,security and protection can anything on earth replace it?
Infact that is the very reason why absolute relations(i.e. blood) are more genuine than newly formed(i.e. lifepartner/soulmate-whatever!) but essentially it depends on the person not the genes or blood. Well when we're here it is questionable how many children get selfless love actually-100%?
-female infanticide
-dowry
-exchange policies(bt money and human)
-Does that ring a bell?
Yes not all fortunate souls are as fortunate as us-infact I have seen in close proximity distinction(subtle) based on sex and believe me they r sometimes the most highly qualified people!
-The problem with education being -does it educate a mind? Or only make us skilled?-mostly it addresses the 2nd , so we're here.....walking candle marches for little children and young girls. That does not mean the situation was better before. It is equally true that as women are getting skilled they are coming out into the streets and accepting the truth that it is not their fault but that who does it and it is the culprit who's to feel bad about it. Even corporal punishment can get u to think b4 u act, more intelligent plans might crop up bt the root of problems start when we get skilled in murder but our minds are nt enlightened with the right time and person -So we have better murderers than Cops(again there r exceptions).
Well what does all this have to do with sex discrimination?
-simple...........does ur mother love u because u're her son or just because u're u?....THINK
infact y mother?ur family and the closest people u know?
Love is mostly selfless and yes it has expectations-simple just this that u'll be beside +respect nothing more.
But suppose u're the basis of earning money?What if u're exchanged with the opposite sex or turn eunuch?-will ur share of love deplete?What if u're being brought up so u can support the rest and apart from that u're nowhere?What if u got all the love bt no respect?Well even girl child born to parents become modes of commodity-I said we get skilled bt nt enlightened!In areas where males aged 54 remain unmarried only because there is no girl are still the striking teh highest rates of female infanticide-y?....where's teh mind-?To meet the demand girls r imported from other states(Well that's what we thought happened with material stuff!)
In teh end if u're a son or a daughter and there is selfless love then value it and make ur parents proud because they are those people with minds that r so rarely found!-prove them right and yes.....
#it does nt mean ur bf/gf has nt selfless love(bt if it's there then it's probably more difficult than anyother relatn because there practically is no reason for the whole establishment) 

suddenly(nt the series of short stories)

It's hard to say and difficult to abstain myself from this weird feeling and truly I'm quite unable to keep it within me like I usually am able to.
Things are tearing up like they never did and my unplanned plans are going to waste.
Suddenly imagine when the scene of worthlessness and hope is set suppose something most unusual happens and u have to leave; U regret every moment when u were indecisive, every moment when u moved away for prejudice; every moment when u shied away; and now so many things remain undone; so many things unsaid; and for 1 last chance u feel like running away and doing all those things undone but somewhere somehow ur just nt sure and maybe sometime because society binds u , u just remain standing there feeling all the more despicable!
Not that ur in the best phase of life bt some things are good and may be there is this sudden idea of losing it that kills us..........may be we manage to be here on earth bt the harm is done~

Restless I feel,
bound and unbound,
Surging in me is the heat
Of emotion that dwelves in me
the tide rises high
And find no place to go;

I have a secret
a secret I cannot come to eyes with,
Something I'd like to say,
But I cannot;

Then there's so much,
Undone and undreamt,
Unfelt and unheard,
It's surging up,
In me like high tides,
I want it to hide in me like it usually does,
But today when the reasons are gone,
The day has come to depart,
I cannot but stop myself
From feeling desperate , despicable and reduce into nothing;

From where I begun,
So much is left,
So much of it I expected to happen,
Is yet to come,
And the time is not willing to wait,
I want to run away and tell u so,
But u seem so distant
My dreams seems to lose grip
I am clinging to the lease
Trying to be there as long as possible
And the calendar flips by.............

So may things undone,
So many things unsaid,
So many dreams undreamt,
So many secrets kept,
And now the purpose fails,
Leaving without a proper farewell is what hurts the most,
And yet I cannot say,
Something stops me,
And I regret my free spirit,
Why I stopped my self from being impulsive,
Why I don't speak my mind,
Why all of it only my eyes and face keep
But not words,
Why I just became that girl who could laugh
And be the cause of more
But never felt weary of doing so,
Why at times I didn't say all that I really felt.................

opaque

I once remember,
On the desolate outskirts
Where the forest marked it's solemn end
I pledged my steps would never return,
Once I'd run into them.......

The crying call
Kept me at bay,
I had to stay
Or leave at risk,
The risk to wide the road too narrow,
The knowledge too shallow
To find a rendezvous
To know the noble me;


When things had torn
Much more than I thought,
And literal meaning took
My hand,
I heard the demeaning devil,
The crying calls growing distant....
The willow trees making way,
And I was running into unveiled,undiscovered,
Like Borneo was born again;

Mystic,chastity, amuse grasped me,
I had broken the unforgiving ties,
And my heart felt at ease.....
But say me why,
In this distant land,
Where no borders I cross,
No distance I gauge,
A creature like me in this heavenly abode
Must share my place
And yet deny to be a part?

No matter how hard I tried,
The things were not much penetrable,
A guard of case he wore so well,
How hard I tried it was in vein;
In moments he'd say of the fondest times,
And yet again take them back,
As if  I were to spy on him,
Wherein I had no idea of where I was;

The dark deep eyes,
Hidden in them a story so true,
And yet the silence encumbers this
For it was not a promised rendezvous!
I trod roads with this old menace
Still under the spell of mute,
Having to face the surviving facts,
Of which I had learnt not much;

And yet on this day
When I part,
I part as a stranger to him,
No words said,
No memories shared,
As if I knew a living ghost......
He never reclined,
He'd never rest,
As if protecting his life's best,
Memories cherished if ever said,
He'd slap himself for the mistake made;

And yet again
I stand there,
On the verge of the forest end,
Just the same as before,
But I think it was more than 'the end'
It was a book of realities,
The good ones I used to read in books,
Wherein I had escaped to discover,
I came across the vanquished me,
It gave me life,freedom and joy
Wherein I had given it none
And yet again when I stand on the edge
I feel the false cringing my neck,
I want to run into the wild,
Wherein I get the untampered humanity;

I saw a face,
Close enough but far away,
It passed by me
As if I wasn't a part,
I surely wasn't
Cause I was like the fruitless tree.....
No vengeance engulfed me,
But wisdom dawned,
I turned back into the unknown world,
For a trip again,
Into the wild,
Whether or not I find the opaque guy;

face

I'm a face ,
In a million trillion rush,
Apart I donot stand,
Yet u stop only at me;

But this is not me,
It's just a facade,
So we look amiable,
But u're not unknown to my vices,
My bad moods,
My being worried,
My being jealous,
And u still take a stand,
For the me in that trillion rush;

But today is a different day,
I'm nomore as I look,
I'm a different face,
A vision beyond my face,
I will need;

In the same rush,
I'm here again,
In the trillion crowd,
Hoping that u'll stop,
Like u always do;

You stopped,
Perplexed you seem,
See beyond the face,
You'll know it's me,
I know u can see more than that;

But U move on,
Then was I wrong,
Was my face all I had,
My identity is washed?

Wait!,,,,,look again,
Maybe u could try again,
And see beyond,
The surface I hold;

You're back,
You've come again,
Frantic on not seeing me,
Here I am,
Can u not understand,
With my mere presence?
Into my eyes,
You look just like as always,
Can you not read my thoughts,
I don't want to force,
If it's not today,
I'll leave without you,
As i've promised!

......You look away,
It's time for me to go,
For without the surface,
My identity is lost,
My face lost,
I'll walk alone again,
Hope u forget me,
It's just the face anyway.......

Wait!.....But my hand's held back,
I turn,
So is it you? 

dilemma ?

It's a msg more to say.....                                                            


It's not easy,
Not easy at all,
To know you
And yet be apart;

I haven't been
At a distance though,
But you seem to be
Moving in and out;

I wasn't looking back,
Infact I had walked on;
But way later,
I had turned back,
And saw you looking in my distant hue,
I could see it was so true;

No fake hath
Left me ajar,
I'm impervious to the superfluous
And so was I so far;
Until I saw,
It was for long,
Long enough to be false,
I gave it another chance,
And I know I wasn't wrong;

I'm not mistaken,
That I know,
But your way,
All suddenly unassuaged ;

I fear not your return,
But I fear the days going by,
For time is ominous,
It waits for none;

The shell you seek,
To be distant from me;
I sense some doubt,
You're having in me.

Whatever it is,
Valid or not,
I'd like you to know,
I play not false!

Beyond the bars,
You've read my thoughts,
You've made me think a second time,
And now i'm sure,
You meant it then,
Today I say I mean it now,
Have no doubt,
For I play not false,
Betray me not,
For I take not haults!

visible mist

We never spoke
Yet untied we never remained,
Everytime we crossed our paths,
There was little more than ignorance
And yet today you passed by........



The white clouds,
Like cushions they slide,
By the side,
Rolling , jumping and falling apart;

I turn again,
The cafe retains your void space still......

There's a small boy,
Staring at me so frequently,
I smile back
But his eyes seem to be questioning me,
The answer to which I donot hold,
But the trust I behold;

The boats send ripples,
All around the Naini Lake,
And the clouds are coming down,
To caress or to play a new game,
My heart skips a beat,
As I hear the question reverberating in me,

I turn again,
The cafe retains your void space still......

My eyes are moist,
Mom says I don't drink enough water,
And the flower seller,
Gestures me for a routine sale,
I must look away.....
I just did....
But I know it'll be fine once you reach;

That kid,
He's got eyes like yours ,
So intense,blue and true,
He's waving to me,
I don't want to wave back,
It feels like I let go of you,
I'm twisting and turning in my place,
Growing impatient,
But I don't want to turn,
To see the cafe drowning my hopes.....

The kid has a touch of cashmere,
His arms so smooth,
And cheek red like yours,
He's holding my arm,
Playing with me,
Questioning me how growing up is,
He's too little,
I want him to dream,
Not to fear the dark;

I turn now for the last time,
The cafe retains your void space still......

I look into those questioning eyes,
I feel there's more,
I smile at him,
Buy him a flower,
And walk him to the mall,
To his biological mother............

I knew it was your son,
The moment I saw his eyes,
But I'm just happy they are honest,
I know the cafe must remain empty,
Even if it doesn't i'll never return............

lost and tried

tried and lost it should hv been?-read again it's the other way round



Sound or noise is it
That which surrounds my head,
The alleys are crowded,
Dark and desolate though.....

I smile at my tyranny,
The one I make to shoo the sympathy away,
They stare with innocence,
Like I used to at the gate once........

On the pavement I sit,
With only lessons unlearnt
And feeling all bitter,
The belgium chocolates thrown at me not sweet anymore.....

There at a distance,
I see my shadow,
It's smile echoing in me,
It grows louder with every tear I swallow........

I fight a lost war,
Pervasive pain granting a vent,
With fits of laughter,
I change into a decent soul again......

Wherein I stand,
I can see the moon and you once again,
The pain is washed,
I once again will stand up to keep my word,
As long as I know you'll be standing right there!

a twisted tail

No this won't be a poem or a story just an article-plain and simple as that.
Many books , novels from engg. guys are published and their experiences are shared but not the other gender. Not that u've missed a lot but a little may be.......

~in honour of people who feel girls can score more easily in labs and similar other exercises-Well may be this is a patent thing in India but from the point of view of engineers I'll give a better insight-just a little though , the rest (RIP)

The chairs are empty and u can take ur seat bt careful sm1 might take advantage of u anytime! U musn't tell teh lady beside u because she'll think u're boasting abt ur figure-Dilemma.......through which a woman travels ......yet she comes out victorious  all safe and sound. Years after she wl nt forget what happened bt she cannot usually tell it to many........even if it means to safeguard otherwomen........complex?......maybe because it's because of the society i'm nt sure i'm only saying what i've seen.
During lab classes she's determined to learn as much as possible bt whenever there's  a circuit prob. she must resolve fr the person in concern might take advantage of her like last time-It happens face it!......
During viva this same guy will ask u to take the seat closer to him .... u'll say "y nt thsi seat sir i can hear u"
but he'll insist and even threat if u don't listen.......best is pretend to be comfortable and go through it.......
Marks?u think it matters to people under soul terror , mental discomfort!!!!!
And mind it after all this u don't knw the answer u get the same grade as the boy beside-incase the higher marks is genuine anyways u have no idea what she's been through, atleast 6mnths of lab and viva + exam invigilator......it's a big deal and u don't know it unless ur the roasted chicken.
Wait ur lucky to have escaped but life has a better depth for us and we can always use our experience-
haven't u seen the recent stats where on an avg. women have higher IQ to men?
-This was just a small inkling bt i guess it's challenging
A tiffany twisted tail/tale.........


just a nother line__
i'm proud to be a woman!

Innocence

Would not have noticed you,
Had it not been for your innocence,
How could you be here
And yet not be a part?

In this gamble,
There is no place for you,
The bets aren't fair,
To please your senses,
Whether you crib,cry or pray;

Stop that,
You're bothering the boss,
He's not fair,
And not to be messed with,
Not with women at all.....

Your hair's so ruffled,
Deep inside you must have had a fight,
Protest is not the way here,
I'd like to know what you're doing here,
In this dirt where I belong?

Savagely they will make you,
Run or you will be ruined,
And be wasted like me,
Why are you so innocent?
Don't you see the world here is not fair......

The more you stay,
The more I don't know why,
I keep looking at you,
Your ruffled black hair,
Those serene eyes,
Those red plush cheeks,
And the chastity you bring into this place.....
No.....No.....I'm making a mistake,
This place is not for you,
Before your dreams are shattered,
Before I'm called upon
To cause you the harm myself!

Alas!I see the boss being himself,
He's summoned me for the task,
I told you,
It was getting late for you.........

I see you asleep
And with it's break should come your end,
The chastity in you will waver away,
I cannot bear it again,
The death of yet another dream!

"Run, the window's your only escape,
I'll save myself I promise,
Just go!...Run"

Those innocent eyes kept waiting....
A wait that would never end,
He had lied,
The boss was too humble to let him go......
The orchid leaves turned moist,
Her tears not dry yet,
Some dreams saved,
Not slayed this time,
But at a much greater price paid.......

lies

lies

Abandon was not what I'd do,
Betrayal was not own,
Still however when I try to defy you,
I cannot look into my eyes....
Why did you lie
For another time
Tell me you were true
I'll believe you
Once again just like sometime ago.......


I saw you again on the way
I said a lot but I meant so little
I never knew
Or I cared of losing you
But then you kept mute
Not a word to defend
Your head bent down
Hands folded......
So you had lied
There was my time
To stop defying you from the world
To know my belief was no more to be
You stopped me but never said
It was a lie........
Why did you lie
For another time
Tell me you were true
I'll believe you
Once again just like sometime ago.......

How can I say no
To the sorry souls
Who stood by to say you were a lie,
A fantasy,
When today you made your stay,
I've tried to defy
I cannot look into my eyes....
Why did you lie
For another time
Tell me you were true
I'll believe you
Once again just like sometime ago.......

Alas I walk over the church pebbles
Which I thought would be with you,
The dream you said would be true
Then what happened to you?
I've tried to defy
I cannot look into my eyes....
Why did you lie
For another time
Tell me you were true
I'll believe you
Once again just like sometime ago.......
It's not just you I'm numb too.....
A life with you
now a life without you
Knowing that you weren't true.....

lurking eyes

Into those eyes i'm lost,
And the marathon I thought I must run,
Should the king know it is you,
I will lose both of you;

I turn not to see you,
Neither do you,
Yet we do,
Where's the confusion?
I have a race to run;

Once again the lucrative breeze,
blows ur hair high,
nice,dark and long,
And those spanish eyes......
I'm lost.....
I'm almost done,
no more race to run;

But wait in them I see,
I do see the tear arrive,
It says I must win,
How can I let those eyes be numb,
Those lively ones.....that turn shy,
I like your hair still floating in the air,
I'll be back,
With the race won......
I promise.......
Do you believe me?
....
Your silent.....
Your eyes can speak
And i'm hopeful :)




......aha!just like that :P  -priyaani  

Let go

deceased by the typing virus!
Let this not be true but I'l let go now for being too persuasive could leave us nowhere and yet I just don't know how- but I must


The mystery in you I saw,
Long before when things weren't wrong at all,
I don't crave solitude,
Yet I plunge in it so often and I can see you're right next to me;

What words do
I don't know,
For words I never had
For those humble beings who could tend to me,
Who knew just when I would cry,
When I would feel shy;

I've tried to cling on
After I noticed how your drifting was no solace,
And yet I feel your not what I thought,
The player, the casanova,
What others said to me
But what my soul betrays;

I didn't wish a passing smile,
For i'm not hungry for fame,
But all I thought was of it's chastity,
And with my faith I had ventured
Into depths never discovered before;

Yet,today I see things mistily fogged,
You never let things be plain,
But I loved the mystery,
It kept me guessing;
Yet I was never sure
Unless I thought you drifted for me,
I would have too if I were sure,
You are what you pretend;

And I will take the final plunge,
Life will never be different for me,
For what i'm worth I will have it,
None can testify it,
None can pull me back,
But some can stay beside,
As a support I will need to
Face reality again;

Persistent I've been,
Overstretched I have the rubber band,
Now i'm unsettled though,
But I must refrain,
In no other way shall I come to you,
I cannot it's a promise I made,
But keep no idea of underestimations,
As the person within was what I saw,
And it is not compromise that unites the perfect,
But the free spirits that can walk  parallel,
Yet never collide;

I leave it to you,
Apparent short communication will be all I'll do,
The rest I leave to you,
To decide whether you're the guy I saw,
Or the one the world did!
I want to question you right now,
To clarify what I might have missed,
But I must refrain,
I must let go..............

health ho!

Insanity bestows in us only with slight furry! It is odd how I come upon to write this today but not before. I often don't tend to phrasing unless it is the need of another. I probably realized how those certain things that plague my mind are probably the greatest insecurities of plenty many.
When you close ur eyes ur at complete peace yet at times when u close ur eyes u are a victim of nightmares.!
This is where we understand it is not the eye lids which give us peace but the mere security that everything will be the same when we open our eyes.
          The note might be philosophical but please bear with me!
Do 1 thing - just a task. Close ur eyes and think of the most precious thing in ur life. Open ur eyes only when ur sure.
Now imagine it gets lost!
This is in terms of addressing ur greatest insecurity. U live by it, u eat it, sleep it, drink it yet not realising it!
Our insecurities are never well addressed unless a jolt of loss is faced be it small or big.
Once initiated, our mind reflects such loss in terms of nightmares.
Sound sleep is a blessing, 1 that only children can experience. At the age of 20 incase u haven't faced much of a disaster u might be lucky to experience this bliss for some times. But as of  now, in this fast paced world it is seldom possible to keep frustrations away. To sleep in peace becomes a dream!
Certainly u have figured ur insecurity by now i guess?......
Let me guess- it is the closest bond u have ever made with a human!
Any1 who has a material object / some goal- to u i must advice do some meditation ur not at the right spot yet!
Humans are social animals and it will never change. No matter how often you love being alone, the truth is u haven't found a friend worthy of complete trust. If u would (it can be ur mom, dad,gf,bff or even god) u will always feel thrilled at how ur heavy heart can weigh less. Sufferings are a part of life......but yes if u donot accept it then do something about it. At the fag end of life donot die with a regret "I didn't try".
Some time back-long ago, medical discovery had actually shown a mother turned into a doctor while looking for a cure for her son!Yes that is the power of trying.
We don't merely respect doctors!They're not the only people we can turn to but they are our medium of hope.In their hands lie our special bond without which life is living dead!
Being an atheist , this might have turned you off! But pls donot think they care less. It is just that they believe in only things they see. If u have witnessed a miracle maybe this person hasn't. Infact their belief is stronger as it is ultimate.
Mostly why have I put across this topic of insecurity in such unordered way? I just came across the same insecurity with a couple of my friends. It hardly is an appeal but a favor which will be duly paid. 
For just 2secs which I borrow of you pray for every other person other than urself. It has 2 benefits
1)u feel great after 2secs
2)some other person has just prayed for u.
It is less of a prayer but a thought about every other person save ourselves in this self centered life. Some things which your thought cannot invoke, may be some1 else's thoughts can.
Thankyou in advance.I too will take this exercise immediately.

living in reverie

Have u ever come across yourself staring into nothing?.......gauging wilderness?......have u missed a few heart beats?.......have u missed consciousness for few moments?.......have u lived in reverie?


part(1)

Dusky roads surround my vision,
Though there is no fog,
There is no smog;
The sun rays make a rainbow through my window,
While I float in an unseen tempt,
I proclaim the oncoming fears,
And yet I walk into wilderness;


In flashes they come,
The harsh world it seems,
And yet again I smile,
At the void dream I weave;
With the blinking eye,
I transfigure,
Between the sweet and the harsh;

I happen to see,
What I want to,
Is this nice?
Because I live in reverie........

I put a face to the shadow till date,
I have a sketch complete now,
In my mind I forward and rewind,
To figure out how much my reverie be called so?

Silly me, I hit my head......
I miss my practical self,
From time to time I try hard to return,
To live in the harsh,
To remember that some dreams come true,
But not the ones that weave out of clouds.....
My mind hath woven an explicit tale,
And I still walk in it,
Is this nice?
I donot know, for I live in reverie.....

With the sudden horn I revive,
Standing in the middle of the road I see,
The willow tree seems laughing at me,
The driver slashing horrid words at me,
None of which I can hear,
I slip again into the times of reverie......


------------------------------------------------------------------------
part(2)

No horn I hear,
No blood I see,
Have I been taken into the bed of clouds?
My disturbed mind smells peace,
In a weary way I turn around;
There I see my dream my true,
One that had been built out of clouds,
I see the figure both bold and true,
Standing here in agony;

The thought of achievement
Over the thought of misery,
Had my reverie been the cause of tear?
I slowly walked the real road,
To decide the fate of my reverie,
This MAN, part of my reverie,
Had saved a life I had given up,
And yet again I became the cause of his misery,
Trapped in my dream,
He felt claustrophobic!

I extend my arm,
And wipe the tear,
I near him and whisper,"You are free"......
At once the eyes sparkle bright,
He runs away into the wilderness,
And at once my shallow reverie is turned into a shadow again,
In it I promise never to find,
A man again from the real world,
For I cannot find one so pure,
And thus I must quit reverie myself,
For I lived in reverie............

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
part(3)

20years like exile I spent,
No peace,No passion,
No reason to live by,
And today I decide to walk to the wilderness,
To unite again and lose myself;

I happen to hear an approaching step,
I think it must be a squirrel,
My crippled self feels the bark,
How old had replaced young;
My weak eyelashes feel some warmth,
An instant of fervour,
I restrain myself....from going into reverie;
No horn I hear,
No blood I see,
Have I been taken into the bed of clouds?
My disturbed mind smells peace,
In a weary way I turn around;
Those same blue eyes pierce my crippled soul,
He might not know but it had no more strength to bear;
I look through my glasses and see the same smile,
I have a feeling I had done the right,
He raises his hand and holds his ears,
I stare in awe like unable to apprehend,
He then says with his crippled self ,
   "I wasted 20 years in this wilderness,
      for I knew you would return to reverie"

I must have smiled,
I donot know,
For when I'm in reverie,
I'm just not what I want of me........