The Farewell

Have you heard of happy farewells ?
Here's something surprising I will tell you,
When you do something many times,
Even if it's sad, you start to see the silver lining,
That's how I discovered happy farewells

There's a whole mesh in life,
Which is entirely like a mess (in bengali, we say it is 'Maya),
And it would so wonderful to have just wade it away,
But we tend to get involved,
Because we were wired that way or we have been told so,
Our minds are controlling and constantly looking for a life beyond what we have,
Often times not appreciating what we have;

Haven't you felt repent for the lost ?
Grief for the past ?
Want to change and go back to some mess ?
Even though our clear logical minds have drawn good reasons,
It is well know which are the dark territories,
But we are inclined to play with the fire,
And burn again;

In this so called battle and a life we hope to make through,
There are these little 'let go' moments,
The painful goodbyes,
Some very evident,
But then how about seeing the other side of it ?
Every cloud that passes by, makes way for new light to entire,
And hopefully some of it will stay.....hopefully

The Flight

Yesternight I remember,
When I last let the train leave,
And demises have since followed me like horror films,
I lost a friend beyond all,
And my best friend it was,
Such loses can never be made up for,
The tarnish is permanent;

Since then i've been a little cold,
The turbulence is left to my inner beings,
I let go and if people stay,
I understand they really wanted to,
And to them I salute,
For I am not easy to be around,
No real being is,
The unrequited love, sinful insecurities;

So, when it was your turn,
I had to let you go,
I cannot afford to follow the path taken before,
And lose another friend yet again,
But I hoped and I really do,
That maybe things turn out differently,
That some miracle happens,
And you're here again;

That doesn't happen though,
The flight took off,
And you're miles away,
Without the last farewell,
I can't ask you to stay,
Because leaving was important for you,
And yet again,
It goes unsaid,
I so wished that you stayed;

Some friendships foster,
And I believe distance cannot part what's to be,
Time cannot heal,
So it must not even be the reason to part,
So i'll wait yet again like stupid little girl,
Who wants to believe,
And really hopes,
Things will turn out very differently,
And for that, I'll try as long as I don't feel unwanted;

The Tale Of Expectations

Recently, i’ve come across this school of thought around expectations which I find pretty unrealistic. The idea states that one must have little or no expectation to remain happy. While I completely agree to unrealistic expectations from unknown parties leave us vulnerable, I do not believe the same can be followed in places of love & nurture. Why ? I will try to explain it here. Please Note : It is an abstract thought, so forgive me if I am unable to make my point here. Remember, I will only put forward a perspective (being completely aware of the fact that there are multiple more perspective out there and I equally respect all). Every point describing love is associated with all kinds of love including ‘romantic’, ‘family’, ‘friends’, ‘pets’ etc. Love is selfless. Understood. It must not have expectations. ..... ummm why? Scenario 1 : You have a job. You don’t perform (expectation). You are fired. Fair deal ! If in the scenario the numbers are unreal or some other, there may be a logical explanation. The expectation gap handling is a major skill. Scenario 2 : You wake up in the hostel room on your birthday. Your best friend meets you and forgets to wish (expectation). You’re a little upset. He/she probably read your face and makes up. Expectations are majorly linked to how our minds process. Not having expectations can be very unrealistic. ‘No Expectation’ is ironically an expectation in itself. We have expectations, dreams, passion, uncertainty - these are human traits. They make us us. I do believe the cause of disappointment here is not ‘expectation’ rather it is ‘expectation mismatch’. These are two different things. Expectations being an unconscious build up in our brains, we neglect to understand it takes a different shape in everyone’s mind. Some are flexible while some aren’t. So the real skill needed is not ‘expectation neglect’ but ‘expectation gap handling’. Deduction : Like every other thing on earth, love is earned too. Sometimes we take it for granted and it is our duty to manage things as well as possible. We might fail but we will know a home to go back to. Love might be selfless but it is still a 2 way journey. It is okay to expect to be understood in silence sometimes, it is okay to expect to be held in times of helplessness sometimes, it is okay to be oneself. It is not okay to just expect, one must make sure their loved ones feel the same form of security and comfort in their presence. This is how bonds grow ! So, I think, expectations are great. What one needs to know is how to handle the differences and there will be plenty. A deep root analysis is a start. Another article on this one. Feedback : Your thoughts might be different from mine. Do tell me in the comments below. What are your thoughts on expectations ? Picture : That mom and me, just a happy pic :) Didn’t I say love has many different meanings? Can you spot some in our smiles ?

Healing | Just another perspective

To my dear diary, we are back again with just a few more words, a few more tales to tell :)

In a fast paced world,
Some of us often forget,
Bandaids do not heal,
They only cover the outside shell,
The inner beings still hurt,
The little cells shall take their time,
To be full and healthy again;

Jumping from options,
Rejecting the problem at hand,
Is easy and comforting,
But there's one single question that our minds know well,
Were you hurting? Are you healed?

We don't have time for it,
We leave the infection tender,
Making us prone to more,
Sudden blows and cracks,
And with more of the bruises,
We move on,
Burden stacking,
Unable to accept it still hurts,
Shunning the friends who show us the mirror,
For how petrifying it is to be shown,
The gory wounds of oneself;

So, we think we've grown up,
So we think, we can't be hurt,
When there in our minds the truth is clear and bold,
We resort to denial of unhealthy sorts,
And in the process mess up a lot more human contacts,
We no longer see truly what matters,
For the last time it tasted bitter,
So may be this time,
I'll be the one to leave first,
We want to think just like that,
We want to believe we are just that person,
And yet we are not,
For we were made human,
Bound to emotions, fear and more,
And no matter how hard we try,
The shallow will remain shallow,
The passion will be forever missing in depth of bonds we no longer cherish;

New beginnings are beautiful,
Just make sure you are ready for it,
It is as a human so hard to see,
Where we stand and what we can become,
Sometimes you will become a scapegoat to much hurt beings,
They will merely heal a little while you nurture their being,
And yet it is a satisfying feeling,
For how many can take the burden of oneself and another,
And walk unscathed while the other healed ?
It will hurt like it was meant to,
But remember, only a few of us remain who can do that,
And still walk out with a smile,
It is a gift indeed,
To be a part of stories while you expect nothing,
Just freedom in its being !

Statement

It was on my mind
For some time since,
We've not been talking a lot,
You've been a little detached,
Or should I say you happen to succumb,
To the loud noises around,
To the silent whispers you cannot hear,
I wish you heard me just as well,
But the burden lies within,
I hear of possibilities,
You hear of certainties,
It is devastating to know,
Life is not a thunder bolt,
It is a mere string of challenges,
And I am tired of handling them,
Hold me once and let me be free,
Let the world just crumble around us,
Let there be light,
Let me be free;

For shadows and light must play the game,
I happen to hold you dear to me,
Is it a little more than just this much,
I've been asking so much,
May be so much pondering is in vein,
I want to just scream it out,
And yet it is bundling up,
Inside my little head within;

Hold on,
Wait,
Let me gain a little balance,
Let us discover the journey of love,
Can I make a statement then,
With inhibitions I choose to drop down,
It has been some time since,
I've opened up so much,
It will be hard again,
Can we make the statement then ?

The way I miss you

Someday maybe you'll know,
The way I missed you,
I wish you knew,
How I had planned more days for us,
I wish you knew it was a mile I wanted you to walk,
I wish you knew the sun was yet to set,
I wish you knew how I loved the way your eyes met mine with passion,
I wish you could wait for love,
For the real deal often doesn't come so rapid,
The symphony of love has yet to blossom,
The color had yet to dye,
I wish you knew the respect I had for us,
And I wish you could understand how I missed you,
It is a cruel fate at hand,
For departure must be our doom,
All I wanted was for you to care too,
All I wanted was not another limerence,
All I wanted was for you to run the 500 miles for me and reassure me that this was it;

Someday I hope you understand how I missed you in ways I loved you, in the tiny things that mattered,
Someday it is;

Why we can't stop playing Candy Crush? The addictive 'Feedback'

This is a continuation to the previous blog "Is 'Addictive Technology' really making us healthier, social & more ?". This is the 2nd followup of A brief from the book 'Irresistible' by Adam Alter




Candy Crush - We just can't stop playing, can we? It generated more than $600,000 in revenue during its peak in 2013. The downloads range between 1/2 a billion to a billion people (surprisingly the majority are women, which is rare in previous such hypes). This too is a prime example in the phenomenon we will discuss today - feedback.

What Is Feedback?

Here our feedback mainly refers to things like 'a facebook like/reaction', 'the juice and chime when we complete a line on candy crush', 'comments on an article we write', 'when there is a sound on the screen while we play video games' etc. Different forms of feedbacks have been incorporated in the various virtual environments we operate in our digital lives. Most of them unconsciously control us.

Our journey to feedback has been very fundamental to us. Ever noticed a little child press all the buttons in the lift and brim after that? Feedback. Some of us still enjoy doing it. That is exactly why in marketing we have 'buttons' because they work and it is fundamental to our human nature. Previous campaigns by TNT Television, Reddit and many more have gone viral with this being their major success. Some campaigns we'll take up below.

The Pigeon Experiment

A pigeon experiment revealed the amount of dopamine released was much more when the reward was unpredictable. The pigeons seemed to peck frivolously (twice as often) when the reward (food) was unexpected. They pecked feverishly when the reward was success at 50-70% times (unpredictable) vs when the reward was once in every ten pecks(predictable). Pigeon gamblers much?
[Experiment by Michael Zeiler, psychologist]

The Reddit Campaign

Reddit posted a blog with button along with a timer. It said once the post was 10 minutes old the button would start the timer for 60 seconds and everytime a user clicked on the button, the timer would reset to 60 seconds. If all of Reddit users clicked the button, this would run for merely 66years. Rad I say!

Thousands of visitors clicked the button inspite of the fact this button had no value add in return. Users were shown different coloured badges for clicking between certain time frame eg. purple badge was shown to people who clicked between 52 to 60 seconds of timer count. This had people forming camps based on the badge colour which they wore with honor. Millions of people were bonded by feedback (a button).

The Facebook Like Button

This is the new gen crack cocaine ! Yes......welcome to being addicted to hitting that little button each time you are scrolling the digital addiction site. This too came about with an experiment with 200 million users at the time. Users could get real-time feedback on their posts, thoughts, photos with this little 'like button'. People like the pigeons were driven to the unpredictability of the 'like button', you never know how many likes it can garner. A zero like post is like a private humiliation, a social condemnation which means you either didn't have enough online friends or worse your online friends weren't impressed. This was so successful, it was followed by a startup called 'Lovematically'. It automatically liked posts that went through its feed and this was free. You no longer had to work for the real-time feedback. It went out so viral, instagram had get it shut down eventually after 2 hours from its major Valentine Day campaign under the 'Socail Network's terms of use'.

The Casino Case (Curious?)

The casinos use a 'loss disguised as win' psychology for gamblers to stick around. The longer the gambler is present in front of the screen / table of play, the more the casino makes money from it. The human gets tired after a string of losses and finally quits. So they measure a saturation point in each of these gamblers and at the saturation they manipulate the outcome to a 'loss disguised as win' and then the gambler keeps playing more and losing more. Loss disguised as win could simply be a coupon to free drinks at the casino or some credit to play more. This can merely be a fraction of the gamblers money invested in the play. Eventually the gambler's mind thinks he/she won a small bet at the 10th try, however logically it lost 9 tries and won a small fraction of it on the 10th.

The Candy Crush Saga

If you've played previous simple UI games, you may have noticed, making rows of similar blocks were a pattern in some old video games too. They didn't make the hype Candy Crush did. The reason is the little juice that differentiates candy crush from the others. When you form a matching line in candy crush saga, a sound with a flash of light and sometimes words of praise by Wizard of Oz are heard. This is the feedback element here.

The Virtual Reality Drug

Virtual Reality is going mainstream and should impact our lives majorly in a few years. It comes with some benefits but it also comes with some risks. The risks of us never wanting to leave a world as perfect as VR and stepping into the real one. Why live in a real world with flawed people when we can live in a perfect world that feels real ?

To be or not to be

There is a time you will ponder upon all the times which 'could be',
You will think 'what if I had done that',
'What if we had tried that',
And between these will you find yourself torn,
Torn because they are the midway options that never can see the light,
We simply haven't done it and time has moved on,
We cannot go back, we must live with the 'what if',
And in many a such day will you hit upon another 'what if'
With patterns similar to that in the past,
As if a soulmate were made just for you,
You dance to the rhythm of chemistry,
In ways untold and unheard of,
Like the ones in novels,
And your palms sweat,
For you do not believe you had a chance at love after all;

So you take a step back,
Think again,
What matters the most,
Is the spark worth the time?
Is it worth weeks of hormones rushed?
Will this be another 'What If'?
And our atoms at once recite,
They must want to see this fight,
To see what could be for once,
To give it that little push of trust,
To finally allow yourself to make a mistake,
And then the question hits us hard,
To be or not to be ?

The Absence Of 'Tears'

Ever heard the last goodbyes hurt the most ?
Some of us are petrified, so much, we do not embrace the last courtesy to goodbye......for what is the meaning of the last wavering moment when real thing is just gone? Oh but wait, does that mean it didn't hurt ? Oh, you mean you didn't see us cry. We embrace the cold exterior because what good could tears do to such excruciating pain? It's right there, moving with us, we never lose it, its like a baggage we carry around. The pain baggage.....it gets bigger by the day. And yes it counts, you count, every moment counts. So we cannot embrace the last goodbye courtesy, we leave for good. We cannot face losing you again, even if it meant for a few more seconds.

Do not think 'the absence of tears' doesn't hurt. Oh, it hurts like hell. I wish I could say but there's nothing on earth to say what it feels like. It is no small task of having to carry a dormant volcano amongst ourselves and fake the smiles. But, I do it well, really well.


I see the birds on the horizon fade,
Into a 'V' line as they fly homeward in shade,
The sky is turning a beautiful red,
The blue sunkissed into a raging orange,
The chirping gets louder by the minute,
And the wind gushes across my hair,
The weather is still hot and humid,
And yet I feel calmness in the company I keep,
There is peace in good company,
There is peace in knowing love;

My legs are wavering,
They'd like to just laze around,
In the greens of this open space,
To become a part of this vastness,
And yet the clock must time well,
We must return to what calls us back,
The warm homes we love,
I only wish I could take this back,
I do take back a little piece of my mind,
The memory etched of a small short ride;

Dating.....or not ?

This one's gonna be a book someday and maybe soon. But right now, I'm just gonna help people not get used.

Here's the thing. India doesn't date. They exploit. Why ? Happens to have a mixed hypocritical mindset hanging between finding love through dating and arranged marriages.

Arranged marriages are getting a good deal through online portals or match makers. These happen to be good deals because of the seriousness of its approach (parents are the ones that scan). It's a good thing if you can see beyond mind blocks. But that us hard because all of us were patterned to think we'd have our love stories someday. Perpetually, that is so not true.

On the other hand, there are a few dating options online and they are an absolute no no. Why ? Well, the people on it are looking for 'ego boost', 'revound', 'flings' etc. Are they looking for a life partner? Literally no. The ones who are looking for life partners are actual on more serious sites. Why isn't dating serious? Well, the so called modern generation in india dates in complete privacy. They have secret dates who sometimes get married too but that's pretty rare. People happen to have very bad amounts of experience with the opposite sex because of poor ratios in plenty fields eg. Engineering. So, this is why they date.....to be able to gain some experience. Obviously, it ends up getting twisted.

Lastly, the younger generation is too insecure to even be in love. Why? Because they don't even know what to focus on. Some will even  come up with ideas about long term as 'kinky'. Well. ....priority much?

Maybe it'll be someday a little better. But right now, I'd say.....Stay away. And if you're on any of these places for very innocent reasons, you can test the waters but I suggest you keep you boundaries. You are the only protector of yourself. This ground is not a good place.....instead gp out,dance....maybe sing. Do things you've wanted to do. I found great guys simply at a badminton match over any of these stupid dating sites. Makes sense, the secure individuals with healthy social circles were very rarely on those sites.

So why waste time? Time is money....you know and memories

The Soulmate

I've read like a ton of documents on this, I've even been through some of the logical deductions and why we feel this way kind of thing. Basically, I only ended up with some ideas of my own. We all have a picture of our perfect one in our heads. Mine is fairly realistic, there's no type, just a divine bond. Yes, probably, not so realistic. Well, what are dreams made of anyway?

So, sometimes, unlike many other times, some people get you. Weird, very weird. I consider myself a total maniac who looks and does all the normal stuff. Well, there are just some faces that go unnoticed and I like it that way. Apparently, there are people who can read that. To be very honest, this is intimidating like hell. And to such people, who take the effort, this is for you

(The significance of this image lies in water and fire)


I'd probably have told you this,
If we'd meet on a setting sun,
And I wish to be able to do so someday,
When I have a little more words,
When I'm feeling a little less rushed,
When I can feel my heart beat not so fast;

It's but a weary day,
On which I'll take that step,
Before that I hope there will be many more suns to set,
For this thing, this scary vulnerability is shaking me,
In ways I never knew I could,
And I'm getting to know a new me,
I do hope you'll stay,
After I've healed,
It wouldn't be easy to let go,
But I promise I couldn't force,
Even if you were my forever;

I hope I can swim through this,
In fact, I hope we both can,
It would a lovely journey to see,
Both of us emerging victorious on the other side 'Together';
I hope we make it 'Soulmate'

Oh....not anymore. I think we just did fine. Time is such a friend, always shows us our true colors

Does love come packaged in types ? Types of clouds and a weird analogy

We'll first learn a few things....like types of clouds. Do you remember ? We had read this is our 4th standard about 4 basic types. Search google and that's gone up to 10 basic types ( thank god 90s have passed that phase :p ).

The good thing is the type of cloud can help you predict the expected weather. Not all clouds mean rain....now it gets interesting !


Types Of Cloud : 

There are 10 Basic Types, we'll cover 6 major ones

Cumulus - 'Fair Weather'

These are the ones we learn to draw. These are also happy clouds, as in symbolises good weather. Sunny clear sky could have these and then later disappear. Puffy bright white tops and flat dark bottoms.

Stratus - 'Light Mist Or Drizzle'

Stratus hang low in the sky as a flat, featureless, uniform layer of grayish cloud. It resembles fog that hugs the horizon (instead of the ground). 'Weather is cloudy / misty' would often mean these ones.

Cirrus - 'Fair Weather Or Tropical Cyclones'

These come into my selected list for how they look. Yes, it's deceptive too. Like their name (which is Latin for "curl of hair") suggests, cirrus are thin, white, wispy strands of clouds that streaks across the sky. These form at an altitude >20,000 feet , thus these are basically ice droplet clouds (not water). They often form on fair weather days or sometimes before an oncoming tropical cyclones.

Cumulonimbus - 'Thunderstorm'

The cauliflower cloud. Cumulonimbus clouds are one of the few clouds that span the low, middle, and high layers. They resemble the cumulus clouds from which they grow, except they rise into towers with bulging upper portions that look like cauliflower.

Often short and heavy periods of rainfall, hail, tornadoes follow

Nimbostratus - Rain Cloud

The rain cloud. Nimbostratus clouds cover the sky in a dark gray layer. They can extend from the low and middle layers of the atmosphere and are thick enough to blot out the sun. Nimbostratus is the quintessential rain cloud. You'll see it whenever steady rain or snow is falling (or is forecast to fall) over a widespread area.

Cirrocumulus - Pretty Clouds

Cirrocumulus clouds are small, white patches of clouds often arranged in rows that live at high altitudes and are made of ice crystals. Called "cloudlets," the individual cloud mounds of cirrocumulus are much smaller than that of altocumulus and stratocumulus, and often look like grains.







Refer here for checking out all 10 types







Types Of Love

Notice, clouds come in 100s of types, we've made life easy by classifying them into 10 major types based on some common traits. This is the fundamental of any classification (including animal kingdom). Inspite of the classification, there may be exceptions. And a whole lot of a subject's traits are overlooked to drop them into a bucket. A Cirrocumulus cloud on 24th may be very different from the one formed on 25th. They may even have slightly separate impacts. Similarly, from our experiences, we tend to put 'love' into buckets available to our mind. Here's some my mind cam up with (Weird stuff my mind does)


Just like the clouds, 'love buckets' come with various outcomes, predictions and characteristics. Some are nurturing in nature, some are growing, some toxic, some insecure, mind-blowing chemistry, some one-sided and many more. The betrayal ones are not in here because I wouldn't consider that 'love', I'd say that an opportunistic convenient choice. So with the options available, where should we be ? Hard to say. Searching for buckets may be very tedious and takes the mind off the real stuff - 'the bond'. However, time and resource are limited. We are a limited edition of ourselves, we cannot be burnt out, so we do need to optimize that. The emotionally fulfilling and long-lasting ones are the 'nurturing in nature' kind. Here, you feel needed, are open to be vulnerability, receive the emotional support and possibly find the happiness that a family often can provide. You build together in good and bad times. Being part of today's world has made 'test of time' a hard one. This is why we probably hear cases like 'Wife divorses when husband lost million dollars'....wasn't that predictable? I sound judgemental but the fundamentals will always matter. If one builds on unethical, convenient terms, you reap just that. Doesn't mean it was not love, it was of a different kind. Remember I said we are looking for the 'Nurturing Kind'. If you find the 'nurturing' and 'chemistry' together - hands down, I say that's the one I'd keep. I'm pretty good at keeping my word, I delay giving it thus. Take your time, build the right one, that's about it.

Loyalty plays a big role too. Once you find that combination, there's more. There's going to be a plethora of choices. The more emotionally secure you get (which often happens as a result of a committed relation), you attract more of that. That's a good thing. However, now's where your grey matter gets tested. Anytime, one must remember, there is no perfect. There is always someone smarter, prettier, fairer, slimer, wiser and more fanciful. New and shiny is nice but the little jeep from your childhood has more value right? Why? Because you've invested on it and the bond's price is much higher than just the fanciful features. It's a call you got to take. However, one must remember, you won't be on the winning side always. A great bond can be established only with staying through the 'lows' also. Without that, it's just a boy's toy who never understood the value of what went into making it.

Like the clouds, the kind of 'love bucket' will help you predict the future.

[Inspiration - While watching a debatable movie 'Chokher Bali', I ended up with some abstract ideas. This post is part of it.]


The nature of relation I have shown my analogy on is just the 'exclusive kind'. Any other has been excluded. FYI - assumption made.

Some people. Some memories

The month of love. This one's dedicated to the little void one left in me, now for many years. My grandmother (Hindi-Nani, Bengali-Didu)

Some people become so intricately tangled with life, their own existence can never be forgotten, their absence creates a permanent void. Them we will always miss....or what we could say 'I'm missing a part of my soul'

My grandmother was that person. She came from extremely humble backgrounds and yet her thoughts in terms of social discrimination were richer than many well read scholars (personal data set). Her food was beyond perfect and her ability to give was beyond comprehension. As children, she became an intricate part of our lives. The two siblings we were, fought, ate, ran and grew up on her courtyard.

Like every other void in life, she was that which didn't take us by surprise but taught me to take life seriously. My little niece (5years) stood at her sick bedside and I hung on to her. This was it....my world had come tumbling down and in a rare few seconds I could see all of the people I loved going down the same way. The thing about death is it shows us humans how petty we really are. Nothing could save our little magical grandmother. And the void grew deeper with time.

Sometimes we forget but when I hear of something that reminds me of her, it really does bring back that void. In memory of my little golden grandmother, I hope there are more people like her.

The unheard tales

To fabbles and mysteries,
To tales and stories,
Some are said,
Some are unsaid,
But most of them go unheard;

In the head, a little voice calls,
In the head it stays,
We make a little of it sometimes,
They still dwell just in there;

I happen to find them here and there,
Talking of untold tales,
They are here to stay,
Unless, someone asks enough of the 'unheard tales'

For once is enough

For many a times,
I have heard my friends weep,
They would like love to burn them twice,
It is but weary to hear such a thing,
For me love happens,
And leaves you changed,
Fulfilled, peaceful,
A new human being,
With love enough for a life time,
Or maybe forever;

And if it weren't so,
It's not love I may say,
Yes, I do not sound pleasing to grieving souls,
But then it is mine,
The perspective,
And that said once, "I love you"
And if really felt,
I believe you are loved for a lifetime;

Nothing can take it away from you,
Nothing can make it change,
If loved once, you are loved forever;

And once is all it takes

The Chanel Bottle & Shortcuts

Jenny's life was a little pressure cooker. It was full of A+, hard work, homework and everything that would lead her to Oxford. And she was good at it. And it the moments she stole from her parents, she listened to french music and got lost in her fantasies.

Suddenly, she got easy access to all the riches and fun evenings. A man who added the exact amount of fun that made her seemingly boring life fun. She got drifted apart from the Oxford goal.....this seemed so much fun. Easy gifts, Chanel perfumes, Paris visits......suddenly Oxford was not interesting enough and it was so much hard work.

A little girl she was but completely capable of choosing. The thing about our choices is, it generally stays the same when the nature of the problem is similar. There is no escape, we face our devils when convenience hits us. This man was not lavishly spending his well earned money. He did this and that. He visited homes and stole stuff that could fetch him a higher price. That he did and to that Jenny could decide. She was almost leaving when the man sweety said how it was merely liberating the old valuables as they had no value in the homes of their owners. He wasn't as smart as Jenny, so he was smart in this and that's how he afforded such Paris trips and lavish dinners. It was interesting and fun after all. Jenny made her choice, she stayed. This kind of fun and luxury never hit her before, neither did it hit her parents. They were afloat on the dream Jenny was having and it sure was so easy and tempting, it was hard to let go.

Jenny's grades started declining. She was a brilliant student and her teachers were concerned. They tried to advice her but her fanciful life seemed too much fun. She questioned for the first time why she wanted Oxford ? And surprisingly her parents thought a rich marriage was just as great. This is the shattering truth. It was sad to know, her parents hadn't had better plans for their daughter, all they wanted was the stable money. They choose the common man's tool of education. The girl drops out of school.

Her brilliance in a moment was worth nothing because she hadn't consciously decided on Oxford, it was what was decided for her. So she never truly realised what it meant to her. The shiny quick money was tempting but the source couldn't have bothered her was a clear lack of value. She compromised and forgot to realise the things we choose to do has a lot to do with who we are. A bargained rich man was not all, he was a fraudulent in profession and person. It clearly reflects when she figures out he is married and escapes when he had to face her parents. Note, there were multiple instances where he lied to her parents and convinced them falsely. It did the trick but the man never owed up to the truth, once again that is ironically him. She gets back to education and gets through Oxford by chance fortunately. However, we hope her choice is this time more well placed and comes from a will to learn instead of just treat it as a mean to settle money.

Yes, she had not seen Chanel bottles before and now she could gift some away too. But was it bigger than the depth of love she felt for her Cello, for her love for literature ?

The shortcuts are gorgeous but their life is just as short. The real deal comes the hard way.


-inspired by 'An education' Trailer below

New Age Love - pros & cons of the algorithms for 'best option' vs 'old working out'

In the last few years, I've read over some stuff and come across various people and their idea of love. It's true we as individuals have our perceptions about 'friendships' and the cliche narrows down when it comes down to 'romance'. I am plain old school, I've been in the grey and confused areas too but emerged with crystal clear views on mine thankfully. On mapping the thought process, I have noticed some commonalities and some logical flaws from them. I intend to discuss on these. This article is opinionated and conclusive in nature - which is mine. You may choose to keep just the patterns.

Older System

-Limited options. Lifestyle standardized. Moderate ambitions. Marriages (love or not) generally limited to restricted communities, if not, that took some effort in convincing. Love was a one-way street - marriage (life long commitment). Women mostly compromised a little more and spoke out a little less. Women were a little less ambitious and outspoken. Communication and expression needed more effort

Implication - We are agitated with the restrain in freedom of choice. However, concentrate on working things out.



Newer System

-Lots of options. Average exposure of an individual increased. Easily connected through social media. Marriages/Live in/Casual much more acceptable. Love is not a one-way street, it can be perceived differently and there's a lot of confusion here, a lot of the people do not know what they are looking for. Women emerged to be more demanding in terms of relationships and ambitions. Communication has become extremely convenient through texts

Implication - Dilemma of choice, reduced tenacity. Concentrate on convenience.


In an ideal situation, one should have the freedom of choice and the 'newer system' definitely gives one that and it is great. However, like all things, this too comes with its pros and cons. It can become a situation where the flights passengers debate on how to fly the plane instead of the pilot. What I mean is, just because the flight is carrying the passengers, it doesn't mean they are the best people to fly it. Similarly, just because the life choice is mine, it doesn't mean I am skilled to make the optimal decision. I want to retain my rights, however there is a major skill gap on the educational front. We glide through academics more easily than we do in personal lives when it comes to relationships. Notice the gap of learning. Our decision making is purely based on our past experiences - which will result in random choices and extremely bad ones. This is particularly true when various studies (conducted in Harvard) have studied most successful couples and figured out the major reasons of they working out was 'the working out mindset' and 'friendship'. Here comes the shift in mindset.

With increased choices, romance has increasingly become a mode of 'the better physically satisfying partner' or 'compatibility'. This is in contradiction to the major solid foundations of a long term partnership. If you notice the best couples around you aren't as much alike one another, they may be total opposites but they still work extremely well. The concept of compatibility can be a fancy giving a convenient excuse for things to not work. The point of 'love' is very contradictory to the nature of 'convenience'.

'Love' (monogamous) demands commitment, grows with trust, friendship, partnership and takes time to grow into anything solid. It is more of a mental decision where the effort is on working things out. Under situations of extreme chemistry and quick random acts could lead to a bad choice and end in extreme incompatibility. Signs of lust/attraction were mistook for love. Love takes time, always. Magic takes time - wake up! Ideally, there's no love that wouldn't work, as in love you accept the value (with good and bad) and choose to work on it.

'Convenience' on the other hand works on never settling and looking the best value from the other side. This is eased with ever growing dating sites, options etc. It's convenient to get married.....why would we put in the effort of actually dating anybody now? Here's the flaw, right here. The convenient mind set can only give you the best option, it is still an option. The real deal is winning someone over, knowing them and loving them for who they are. It also involves yourself receiving love as you are. Not impression, just the real you. It doesn't matter if you've dated 200 girls/boys, you got some quick first impression tricks - great! What next? The rest is based on a boring journey of getting to genuinely know someone and winning each other over, the serious stuff and the real deal. Through this comes emotional security. Our convenient lifestyles have already taken from us the skills of developing relations. We are obsessed with how ones looks, charms etc. The brownie points are in some real life skills like cooking, accounts, home aids, managing life. Outside food will end you up with cholesterol.....some boring things are important. The good news - learn it the unconventional way.

So, I believe, we are not using the 'love letters', the natural triggers, the calls (way more personal), putting in effort and working things out. There are times where one feels 'casual' is what one wants. That's your decision to make.....thing of the pros and cons. I don't see any investment in love worth it unless it chooses to stay for you, no matter how flawed you are. Love comes with a promise to stay, what else does it offer anyway.

This one's my perspective. The intention is educational, however a lot of this will be my perspective, so it may sound opinionated. Read to understand my philosophy.....doesn't harm, does it? Just to be clear, it may also seem like I am proclaiming pure traditional beliefs and supporting social hypocritics. I am not a rebel without cause, I am not dead against culture and tradition, infact I enjoy the intermingling, I only object to any differentiation in its basis. Otherwise, there's a lot to learn from each.


Reference
- I have put together a lot of this from studies I read over past 2 years.

Is 'Addictive Technology' really making us healthier, social & more ?

We wake up to our alarms, check our health meters on our smart watches, live in smart homes, socialize on the internet and we are a new breed of humans completely different from the humans a few years before. This vast difference in the 'breed' is due to the rapid growth of technology and its impact and availability in our lives.

Your neighbour's kid probably lives on smart devices much more than you and you much more than your parents. That's atleast a generation gap, in general, you can notice patterns of difference in kids within a few years. So, how is it affecting us ?

We are covering here, the aspects of how we've got attached to our devices so much more than our own wives (just saying-it should have been the other way). Technology's biggest argue is to be able to work more efficiently, thus save us time for things that matter - family, friends, relations, leisure etc.

Most people spend between 1 to 4 hours on their phones each day. On an average lifetime, it amounts to 11 years ..... note '11 years' of your life will be wasted checking mails, texting, gaming etc. We are robbed of time.....and yet more, we are 'addicted' to it.

Addiction dating back to history

A great way of studying how addiction works goes back to drug addiction. Go back to how heroine hit, why people kept going back, patterns suggest behavioural patterns which help us understand the idea behind it. Obsession is a thought one cannot keep out of mind. Addiction is an obsession with an immediate reward.

[A small piece of advice to some people who believe experimenting anything is always a good idea. In general, that would be good but you may not want to try that with things like 'heroine', earlier considered to have medicinal properties have ended lives of some great scientists because they were just trying it out (without the knowledge) and late couldn't resist. ]



How Addiction Works

'Septum', an area in our mid brain is known as the 'Pleasure centre' of the brain. It releases 'dopamine', the happy hormone which makes us feel a surge of happiness and excitement. The drug stimulates the release of dopamine and the after effect is what causes one of go back to the drug each time - addiction. The problem with drugs is a certain quantity of drug can cause a certain amount of dopamine stimulation and that reduces with time. Which means over time, one needs to increase the amount of drug ingested to feel the same amount of 'happiness surge'.

Addiction can have some triggers which cause regaining of addictive behaviours
-the old environment during addiction (including old peers, house, neighbourhood etc.)



Behavioural Addiction

Our pineal gland produces a hormone 'melatonin' which induces sleep. This is stimulated by red light and its opposite happens when it sees blue light. Our smart phone screens emit the 'blue light'. So while you go to bed checking your screen, you end up telling your brain to prepare for the day.....ending up with some useless screen scrolling.

Our screen addictions lead to 2 benefits -

• Dopamine secreation
• Emotional relief

Technology gives us behavioural addiction vs drug addiction. Drug addiction is more dangerous because its ability to stimulate the happiness centre is more intense. Both have similar dopamine spike patterns and result in relief from psychological distress.



The New Health Goals

Our smart apps have caused us to set new health goals and there are plenty success stories of weight loss, healthier humans and they are the good side of the story. There's a little catch. You may not have noticed, each day you spend a few hours obsessing about the steps you've taken and the self-goals you beat. Most of the time they are unconscious and driven by your smart watch. Most probably, you also donot spend valuable time on celebrating the success you get through the hard work. We overlook our own biological clocks, it was designed pretty well indeed.

Here's a case. A person said, "My fitbit thinks I can do better" with a prosthetic leg.

These goals pile up and they fuel addictive pursuits that bring failure or perhaps worse, repeated success that spawns one new ambitious goal after another.


Your life of odd 60 average years looks like this-

-20 years (education you were barely thinking)
-11 years (screen scrolling)
-rest clumped with minor milestones of 'monitored health goals', 'social influence goals' etc.

Where's the main stuff ? Weren't you dreaming of helping out the poor kids in Africa? Weren't you going to find a cure to cancer ? Weren't you going to make a dent on the universe? Weren't you going to fly to the moon? Now those are goals! That's what you regret not doing on things like 'death beds'.


P.S. These are a set of facts i've read recently. It is purely for educational purpose and to help you take better decisions. I have not set a conclusion here. I started reading this for a friend addicted to smoking and it made me curious to understand the triggers behind it. That however never helped my friend but I ended up learning great stuff ! I will put up more detailed blogs once I read more of the book


Reference - Inspired by the book 'Irresistible - by Adam Alter'

The real deal

Oh love,
You're the magic I never knew existed,
And you taught me,
Oh there was the fleeting passion,
We'd love to feel everyday,
Like a drug we'd gladly be addicted to;

And then we noticed its fleeting nature,
The to and fro tires us,
We slowly learn to live without love,
It's numbing and we grow used to it,
Functioning in a way and living with what's left of us;

And then again,
Sometimes when love does come around,
We're playing it cold, clinging to ourselves,
We prevent love,
We cannot risk and burn again;

The real deal is so much more,
The connect is so real,
Where you see each other's dreams,
Feel their passion,
Feel their vulnerabilities,
And we see mutual best interest,
There's trust, security, freedom,
Selfless and to be.....

There's security in love,
Not because one says so,
Because it is just so special,
Real love is a new avenue,
Where yes, you're still scared of the commitment,
But glad because the journey is with your best friend!

And that my friend is the real deal. That is all serious relationships are about. That is all we are looking for. Only sometimes we are scared to ask. That is all we ever want (well that's me at least)

I know that might sound old school, a bit too serious.....well it is. It's just worth it if you ask me. The rest will never be for me :) I guess some of us are just that way.....we know what we really want.

I hope she comes someday

It wasn't the first time I saw it in your eyes,
You had defied love,
Once and again,
And yet you would never say so,
You were scared,
And you needed someone to believe in you,
To hold your hand in spite of how scared you were,
I hope someone does it,
It ain't me, no it ain't me,
I wish I could wait,
Maybe I could and yet I didn't,
For we are the same,
Scared as hell,
Unable to say;

And I hope someone more sees through you,
I hope someone stays back,
Even when you ask them to leave,
Even when you got nothing to give,
I hope they understand it will take a lot,
And it will be a huge risk,
And believe in the end you will make it through,
You will see the light,
And you will fall in love one more time,
And it will confuse you,
Because you loved the first time,
And this time it will be to forget the first,
And the taste won't be sweet like number one,
It will be bitter,
And you will grow a taste for you,
A taste for her;

For that someone you gave nothing to,
Stayed,
And she knew your worth,
All too well,
But waited for you to turn into a new leaf,
Just for you,
For humans do that,
They can do so much more,
And then maybe you'll stay,
Or you'll want to explore with the new found you,
In any which ways you'll come to one same thing,
It ain't gonna be that good ever,
For she stayed without a reason,
And that my friend is selfless love,
One of a kind,
Maybe you learnt it,
Maybe you didn't,
But it'll always be the best,
The best you ever had the second time over,
And that's the irony with you,
You never learnt,
Maybe you'll leave her too,
You ain't gonna treat someone better than you do yourself,
I hope she finds her second then too,
And if I meet her,
I will thank her for saving you,
And I will hold her tight,
For things very few could dare to do,
And I will tell her about the last few times,
And I hope she can love herself again,
And she finds her second too,
For she deserves so much more;

The Run

It was my dose of adrenaline, every moment in life was a Run for me, it had become such an inseparable part of me, I barely had any existence without it. Sometimes a few moments in life such just the way you were made and it settles into our soul, it becomes our whole being and we define ourselves through it. That is what the run was for me.

I once found true love, the best of all kinds, no games, no falsehood, just plain love. I didn’t believe in it but then things happen, this happened too. It hit me hard in the face when I realized how much someone now meant to me. It was like finding a lost part of my soul in the world. She was an artist of various forms, free and creative. She could make art out of plain colors just like that and I could see it. Words stringed together to me beautiful pieces of poetry, each of them bearing such deep resemblance to the greys of life. She believed in soulmates, in flowers and rocks and gardens and dreams. I had long learned life was more mundane than that, more real and nothing of that was coming our way, we needed to feed ourselves. But she didn’t care. She kept her dreams in a little box and kept believing in them. So I visited them sometimes and soon enough, I was addicted to it, the hope. She was that friend of mine I could share anything with. The friend who was more……maybe the missing part of my soul. And yet, I didn’t believe in soulmates….did I ?

So, I let her go when the time had come. I owed love nothing, a man like me never did. My ties with human things were reduced to a nil. Cold and real I was. She asked me sometimes before she left what I’d think of the times we spent. My heart beat hard with the hope of her staying and my mind kept pounding with the dread of my dependence. So I let her go, telling myself it was the best thing to do. No wait, no sacrifice, no vulnerability. And the run began……run from myself. I have never let my conscience ever speak again for I don’t like what it tries to say.

I always run fast enough to keep my soul in my body but slow enough for the two to merge. We maintain a distance, the exact one and that’s what makes the run so special, it is the run, I run from myself.