afraid of losing.....

Here I stand,
like a devilish moron,
feeling like an idiot,
when it comes to my mind,
re burdens me with the inequated equation
of losing something,
before knowing whether i own it......

But what must  i do,
when even your thought brings to me a smile,
or brood over the oblivious truth,
of your inexpressive courteous ignorance?

Far away....

In an LDR people hardly think of the hardships....often they eat on bonds and yet there those fairytales!
LDR=long distance relationships



Far,so far away you stand,
When I last saw you from the airport,
Peeping through the long glass doors,
As I walked in a swift pace,
To escape my tears.....

It's been a long time,
Since that day,
And today,
There has been no one else,
Never ever,
Some have been good but never good enough,
I never could like someone as much I did love you....
or still do........

Birds of paradise.....

Like this I burn,
beauty that approves of me,
the red hue of sun that kisses me,
the buildings that row old with me,
the waters that rhyme with my footsteps,
And the guy who still awaits my approval,
All this happen,
And I stand here,
untouched,unhealed,unheard,
Away so far from you,
In this distant land,
from that very day,
we were probably married....

I still think of the day,
as a dream come true,
But yet again may be it was a dream...?
Was this the destiny of a woman,
who never betrayed,
stood in the way of no barrier,
obediently nodded,
And then said nothing when we got married,
thinking you were as sincere as i was,
But I hear of you no more,
My calls go unanswered,
If it's so different,
So difficult,
make it easy for both of us,
Tell me the bitter truth,
before my age dies waiting for what must never happen,
Living in hope of what never was.....
Tell me so the rest of it can be clear,
So the remaining can be better than the worst.....
before I stop imagining your silhouette.........
before the birds of paradise dryout....

-in memory of a friend(SONIA)

5 rupee today

As usual as a day is, the same way I got off the autorickshaw, payed my fare and proceeded towards a neighbouring shop. Pop!The money in my hands......it exceeded 5 more rupee. The first thought gave me joy but the very next-it was someone else's hard earned money !The dilemma had evaporated in no time, the auto gone.....I had to keep the money.SO, I decided to do something with it.....what?
My co-mates soon looked at me with greedy eyes so obviously it could make a feast for them.But as adorable as I am,I sternly refused.I wanted to pay it to someone needy...now not greedy!
So it was decided,on the way any beggar or child or mother in need of fooding,clothe or shelter shall has a contribution from me.The way was searched from corner to corner but no-one, not one person seemed to beg that day-like it was a wealth overflow day.Surprised and astonished more I succumbed to the revolts of my co-mates(just 2).Very well.....we went into the neighbouring shop full of all types of items from chocolates to hosiery.We looked every where from item to item and turned them over.....to find an mrp of rs.5!But where to?NONE!Some said rs50/- some rs10/- but never less.For once I had stopped to notice how things had come easily to me and I could cry for dresses that must have been far more expensive and here I was unable to find a rs.5/- thing?At first I thought I could get many things but the real scenario seemed so much different!
I decided against the fun food treat spending adventure.I would give it to someone who might live another day with this-because the world outside was much demanding.And we were sustainable!.....I still have the note-anyone out there?Not really....on the laptop-but i'm sure I'll find someone v.soon. 

A life on the verge of death

The white bed sheets spread wide and far,

The smell of spirit overwhelming,

The saline reducing to bubbles,

The ECG line going straight,

In a while I run through every moment.....

The child I was.....

The orange peel on the terrace

And the sibling fights we had,

Then the rush of anger,

And then the fear of losing each other,

Then hugging each other so tight.

The guava tree I climbed,

The fruits we had,

The race of our lives we ran

When the gardener saw us,

The glass we broke....

The time we stood together,

When noone spoke out a name...

The first time when I realised,

Love was beyond attraction,

The first time when I had a healthy but broken heart,

Everything was wasted......

I had time for none,

I lived till this bed,

To become something that i expected of me...

I can hear and see everyone moving,

So terse is their action,

So swift is the doctor's,

My fate will soon be decided,

While the few last moments ,

I can skim through what I am.....

The first time I saw my mother cry,

I knew their was nothing more painful,

The first time I saw a butterfly fly,

I knew their was nothing more colourful,

The first time when I travelled alone,

I knew their was nothing more comforting

Than a father's care,

The first time my sister left me,

I knew I didn't want the room for myself......

And here today I smile,

I smile at the journey,

from orange peel to room,

When my tender heart grew strong,

To know the difference between ignorance and innocence,

To live upto myself,

To have all of 24*7 for the best people in life,

To have wasted not a single moment,

This one life was worth it all,

Very few get a chance to die so happy,satisfied and lucky.....

Why bring a child into this world? - A film by Unilever

Worthless

I've heard ample times,
The screeching sound,
The gossips that say,
I've got them bore,
I'm not fun loving......
ironical...how I just define it my different way

I'm glad I can see a tear skip your eye,
I'm proud I'm who I love,
I'm ecstatic when I see few people smile,
I'm having fun the whole day,
It's just that you've never been here,
in this world of mine,
Where blood is only biology,
And relations are  heart felt!

I've learnt that respect,
is not a slave of age,
I've learnt that smiling,
is not a slave to money,
I've learnt that peace,
is not a slave to big houses,
I've learnt to struggle,fall and get up again.......
And all this while smile,
just so I can enjoy the smile you wear,
And you say I'm not a fun loving person?


Life may end any day,
even tomorrow,
I would be depressed,
for the million smiles that'll be undone,
But satisfied for I had my best....
And you say I'm not cool?

....I don't live life....I live in everyone.......

Most Hated

Hating is easy,
I've hated my mom,
I've hated my dad,
I've hated relations,
I've hated family.....
But can it be so difficult for the practiced guy too?

I hate you for all you are,
I hate you for the air you carry,
for the perfume you spray,
for the goosebumps I get,
for the hair that brushes past me,
for the life you breath in me,
for the hatred I loose....

Were I so beautiful,
I would not hate myself too,
But here I am,
An untouched soul,
A bastard born,
An orphan sold twice,
wrath to save my skin,
And in many way dirty,
Yet I feel.......
I can hate beautifully.....
And you musn't take this away,
Who are you?
Why do you create my life in a whole new way?
That I cannot recreate myself,
Infact one that will leave like you will very soon.....

precious platinum

The childhood days often wipe out of our minds into thin mist of the past, the favorite moments left for us to draw strength during failure.I'm here today on the typing pad because of some of these tormenting pieces.
The bits that I may put forward before I once again gain my composure.
....
When I woke up today morning,
my pillow lay wet,
The corner of my eyes not dry as yet,
The window lay open,
And the cool breeze pinning me onto my bed......
was it a dream again?
Those tormenting dreams?.
....LEt me take a break......leave me...let me live!!!!
This by far my gravest incident had landed me with the psychiatrist and then on I donot shout out my fear!
Today was the same day once again........only the torment lay within, I felt like a lonesome self crying to be freed from within....but the outside lay calm,composed like an ideal self.
The rain outside seems to dull the feeling within me......a screaming self I can feel.....the rage searing in me.
Unsaid words can leave you insane and today in a wild world I was getting married, my mind frail, unable to comprehend the pace,left in the backyards of my dreams....in sober pensive mood.The animal within me had to be released, everytime it tried to soar high!It was a painful sight, how I fought with myself to tame the untamed beast, to make my self a slave to the society.I, and only I had the key to the dreams.....the psychiatrist was trying to snatch from me.
I was getting married,no tears,no feeling-I was numb.No interest,no challenge,no emotions,no word-the water was rising beyond the marks.A plan had materialised, a well-planned chalked plan that would cure me in 2months time.Rashir was overenthusiastic over it, he being an absolutely great guy.I often thought may be he too should know what I do but again he might still not leave I felt.
On the terrace  I stand, flashbacks of the good times comeback.When rain wasn't acid rain, when life was nothing more than small quarrels and games,when I felt omnipotent when the rain stopped when I wanted to play,when going to college was nothing more than friends.And there in the crowd we came across some beautiful days.....where we swore over our lives and wouldn't part till death.The wet grass came floating by,the ten of us lay on it.We had spent our sleepless nights over  counting stars and making dreams and then again we had moved onto the devilish night.On that very trip I had lost everything-atleast everything that lasts forever.Naithl had hidden my ring while we played 'HotCold game'.The soil was wet and even after two full days of searching, nothing was to be found.I can see how he comes to me and gives the same kind of ring, pretty good forgery I could see but I had more in that than the price......it could never be replaced!Naithl had lost my faith.....along with that I lost the rest.Everyone out there never knew why or what but they apparently said Naithl had done his best!
It was an antique ring, one that my grandmother had found in her teens.No one had she told save me . I had worn it on every second of my life  from the time she left me, it was like she was close to me.Then on everything changed....ample forgiveness could not change what had gone wrong.The bond remained intact, words remained unsaid yet we had parted.What's App wasn't where we met, our hearts still cried out of reach other but the lost ring tormented me, every night, every day, I had lost the right to live I felt.
My brother's distant voice brings me back.From the terrace what I see, I cannot believe....I can see a face I had seen twelve years back.I'm in an unstable mind, I hush away the mind with a wave. What I had lost was more than the ring,Naithl was my best mate and he never got to know that-i wasn't sure if that was good or bad but today when things had turned upside down,there was noone I could remember more than him.
I was known for the impulse way too back and the doctor said I felt intensely and that it could be madness.But I knew how it was for me either nothing or a great deal.I really would feel intensely and impulsively but I had the courage to do what I said, to live and die for the ones I loved.And in the mad 10 group we each felt just in place, noone judged us,we were all faithful and Naithl was my best pal.Infact I often thought may be more.Half apart we had spent our lives in distinct areas, different places,diverse cultures and never seeing eachother had softened my heart.Anyways it was fragile the doctor would say.

I once again glanced into the crowd below,Naithl wasn't there-now it was right,the ideal mundane life expects this.Time was racing , only few moments were left for the ultimate death.My voice suddenly cracked.Naithl was right in front of me.I could see nothing more then....I think the other 8 were also there.
I don't know how or why but I flung my hands around him rambling all that came to my mind.It was far too difficult to keep it all to me for the past twelve years.I felt light at once even though I wept.Naithl hugged  me so tight-like we usually did and then whispered in my ears.My eyes lit at once and I was ready to escape.It was a funny moment, a sudden thought but you know I felt intensely and was far too impulsive!Naithl was taking me to the ice cream parlour we often went, I felt it was so right-half concerned of the timid Rashir.Once there we hopped to get the best new flavor they gave discounts on the month's first and now things got serious-far more than I could take.

Naithl took out a  platinum ring all shiny and new.I was taken aback,every guilt redeploying in me!I at once got furious but before I could leave Naithl caught my hand.He said in a calm brilliant posture,
"It took me twelve years to bring back your smile,now you will not leave!".I closely strained to look at the mark,. it had a stone missing.....it was the same old ring that I had lost.....not the new one.I wasn't sure if it was me but as I am impulsive,I did marry him.Rashir was a good guy but he could never know how intensity was not madness,how obsession was an expression.And here i am , I type with my platinum ring......one tha must never part!!!!!!!