The birthday card....from my 'father'

I had my 22nd card in my hand,
I was reading the words,
And all of a sudden I realised,
How fake it was,
How I was trying to keep myself alive,
Trying to feel loved,
With those words in there,
That I had personally selected;

From the 5th year,
From the time I haven't seen him,
From the time he's been gone,
I thought he'll write to me,
For he loved me,
The father daughter thing,
We had that;

And the letter never came,
I waited for the birthday card,
I waited for the school letters,
I waited and waited.....
But it never came;

So I thought,
Maybe he was stuck,
Maybe there was a reason,
Maybe it'll come some day,
Maybe it's on its way,
Maybe it's coming from another country,
Maybe it got lost,
Maybe this and maybe that......

And from the 6th year,
I decided to buy myself a card,
That he would have given me,
And then when finally his letter actually comes,
I'd be thrilled and overjoyed;

So with this card today,
On my 22nd birthday,
I feel alone in a room of crowd,
I feel that pit in my stomach growing bigger,
I feel my father leaving me once again,
And I feel it's my fault,
I feel it so intensely once again,
I feel I cannot feel;


-Inspired by 'Playing it cool'

To everyone who's read this, I could not express the fear of abandonment to one millionth of what it really is. I really hope each of you take care to never abandon a human, no matter what. Stick around, people need people