Anya's diary(2)

 EXTRACTS  FROM  ANYA'S  DIARY(2):~

Over the phone i had to say it......what a taboo it would be for me.What would i say?What have i done?......still embarrassed !!!!Just going red allover the face.Why?......Wish i could turn back things......wish i hadn't the courage.......My sister hung up the phone  .....was she alright i was getting tensed.Miles away she lived and the closest pal to me i had alas told her the sinful deed.Oh my i feel so shameless.....how could i?And then 1 inevitable question->Do you know what u have done?on purpose is it?..........and her again another day i shall keep written so they remain only in mind,soul and here.The frosty chilly nights have often made me go crazy.It tops the list of frenzy.The heavy rains hitting my window glass and making that weird droll.I shifted in my soft pillow uncomfortably and thought and re thought.I wasn't in my sense.....or i liked it this particular way.The things were flying in my head and not a thought was intentional.Year back memories were coming back!......
The other phase of change had just started.The years after 11 and 12.......  a witty eyed guy.And the Indian block :) stuck to one.Small things were bubbling in------- as small as glances we exchanged.funny things were showing up.-----the tutorial chairs......me being the late lateef reaching in time.The chairs ordering how to manage a seat next...but i never could :) for i said i was not sure.Oh my head hurts when i feel the pain how i must have offended this guy, when the solitude of this event is retraced.-----
In the later months he had a gf too! :o no sympathy.I wasn't sure of any want or need then......so no offence.:
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And a wild thought struck me.The storm was heavily hitting my window as if it would tear it open.My thoughts racing.I cannot but describe how things happened.....all in a hurry.And me i was whimsical.I snatched my phone and did what i'd have never imagined in my dreams.Meek and shy i was.....oddly we end up showing courage and impulse in the wrong things.....which donot work out.As they say there is a method!
I types down all that my guts could grant me......every line with a diplomatic curve to save my skin and render the victim least harmed.Yet it was offensive and harmful.....
my cell: we've been talking for some time and i feel  not telling you this is offence done no less......i'd                   like to measure friendship life long......woooofffff!i had proposed!had i?.........could i?
tears rolled down......i was tense all tensed......went feeble on the thought of rejection.Till date it was always the other side saving for this stuff.
Oh!and have  told u ?(This guy had an offer years back in those sweet time in 11....i had smiled it away.Ofcourse a friend had informed so.....maybe i like to believe it because i can fantasize)
My body was getting colder....i was nervous for no good reason.Moments back i was absolutely sure nothing could go wrong even if it was a 'no' i'll face the truth-it is no good fantasizing.All in all it was only a sudden thing......a renewed contact that had relapsed 3years back.(almost).
beep!
 :sorry i didn't get uFor god sake how could people be so witless and insensitive?......As for advice sake never say this!I've said this plenty times but now i now how it is......it pissed off every bit of me.I had lost the battle.With weird thoughts.....some drops of hope yet to be sucked away i typed it before i knew
 :do u have a special person?:nohopes surged up!!!!!!and i reexplained.......the conversation ended abruptly.The end of which i had myself decided a 'no' ..... but things had to be cleared......the rest was on chat.And for this i'll be cruel to the guy.....he could have been honest the very first time
:on9 he said-he had a to be gf.....or a present gf.The pic of whom i saw and merely gave that wonderful comments of being a cute choice.Extra modesty!
Over with it........and the phone call to my sister......said it and then she said she had fallen into the couch speechless.OH!she loved me dear lot......and i had offended her for some stupid joke....or even if it wasn't .The thing was real..........every bit of it.Every pain.....excruciating.
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I will never forget this day and what i did but i have a wonderful thought surrounding this memory.I had felt the thrill only a boy is allowed specially in INDIA.It is no easy task.......a very difficult one to let go of everything at another's disposal.And then the fear,excitement and teary rejection.All part of the fun.......the adrenaline thus produced must have been a class apart.I keep this as an upgrade into my list of feelings!It's a unique and special one.