Worthless

I've heard ample times,
The screeching sound,
The gossips that say,
I've got them bore,
I'm not fun loving......
ironical...how I just define it my different way

I'm glad I can see a tear skip your eye,
I'm proud I'm who I love,
I'm ecstatic when I see few people smile,
I'm having fun the whole day,
It's just that you've never been here,
in this world of mine,
Where blood is only biology,
And relations are  heart felt!

I've learnt that respect,
is not a slave of age,
I've learnt that smiling,
is not a slave to money,
I've learnt that peace,
is not a slave to big houses,
I've learnt to struggle,fall and get up again.......
And all this while smile,
just so I can enjoy the smile you wear,
And you say I'm not a fun loving person?


Life may end any day,
even tomorrow,
I would be depressed,
for the million smiles that'll be undone,
But satisfied for I had my best....
And you say I'm not cool?

....I don't live life....I live in everyone.......

Most Hated

Hating is easy,
I've hated my mom,
I've hated my dad,
I've hated relations,
I've hated family.....
But can it be so difficult for the practiced guy too?

I hate you for all you are,
I hate you for the air you carry,
for the perfume you spray,
for the goosebumps I get,
for the hair that brushes past me,
for the life you breath in me,
for the hatred I loose....

Were I so beautiful,
I would not hate myself too,
But here I am,
An untouched soul,
A bastard born,
An orphan sold twice,
wrath to save my skin,
And in many way dirty,
Yet I feel.......
I can hate beautifully.....
And you musn't take this away,
Who are you?
Why do you create my life in a whole new way?
That I cannot recreate myself,
Infact one that will leave like you will very soon.....

precious platinum

The childhood days often wipe out of our minds into thin mist of the past, the favorite moments left for us to draw strength during failure.I'm here today on the typing pad because of some of these tormenting pieces.
The bits that I may put forward before I once again gain my composure.
....
When I woke up today morning,
my pillow lay wet,
The corner of my eyes not dry as yet,
The window lay open,
And the cool breeze pinning me onto my bed......
was it a dream again?
Those tormenting dreams?.
....LEt me take a break......leave me...let me live!!!!
This by far my gravest incident had landed me with the psychiatrist and then on I donot shout out my fear!
Today was the same day once again........only the torment lay within, I felt like a lonesome self crying to be freed from within....but the outside lay calm,composed like an ideal self.
The rain outside seems to dull the feeling within me......a screaming self I can feel.....the rage searing in me.
Unsaid words can leave you insane and today in a wild world I was getting married, my mind frail, unable to comprehend the pace,left in the backyards of my dreams....in sober pensive mood.The animal within me had to be released, everytime it tried to soar high!It was a painful sight, how I fought with myself to tame the untamed beast, to make my self a slave to the society.I, and only I had the key to the dreams.....the psychiatrist was trying to snatch from me.
I was getting married,no tears,no feeling-I was numb.No interest,no challenge,no emotions,no word-the water was rising beyond the marks.A plan had materialised, a well-planned chalked plan that would cure me in 2months time.Rashir was overenthusiastic over it, he being an absolutely great guy.I often thought may be he too should know what I do but again he might still not leave I felt.
On the terrace  I stand, flashbacks of the good times comeback.When rain wasn't acid rain, when life was nothing more than small quarrels and games,when I felt omnipotent when the rain stopped when I wanted to play,when going to college was nothing more than friends.And there in the crowd we came across some beautiful days.....where we swore over our lives and wouldn't part till death.The wet grass came floating by,the ten of us lay on it.We had spent our sleepless nights over  counting stars and making dreams and then again we had moved onto the devilish night.On that very trip I had lost everything-atleast everything that lasts forever.Naithl had hidden my ring while we played 'HotCold game'.The soil was wet and even after two full days of searching, nothing was to be found.I can see how he comes to me and gives the same kind of ring, pretty good forgery I could see but I had more in that than the price......it could never be replaced!Naithl had lost my faith.....along with that I lost the rest.Everyone out there never knew why or what but they apparently said Naithl had done his best!
It was an antique ring, one that my grandmother had found in her teens.No one had she told save me . I had worn it on every second of my life  from the time she left me, it was like she was close to me.Then on everything changed....ample forgiveness could not change what had gone wrong.The bond remained intact, words remained unsaid yet we had parted.What's App wasn't where we met, our hearts still cried out of reach other but the lost ring tormented me, every night, every day, I had lost the right to live I felt.
My brother's distant voice brings me back.From the terrace what I see, I cannot believe....I can see a face I had seen twelve years back.I'm in an unstable mind, I hush away the mind with a wave. What I had lost was more than the ring,Naithl was my best mate and he never got to know that-i wasn't sure if that was good or bad but today when things had turned upside down,there was noone I could remember more than him.
I was known for the impulse way too back and the doctor said I felt intensely and that it could be madness.But I knew how it was for me either nothing or a great deal.I really would feel intensely and impulsively but I had the courage to do what I said, to live and die for the ones I loved.And in the mad 10 group we each felt just in place, noone judged us,we were all faithful and Naithl was my best pal.Infact I often thought may be more.Half apart we had spent our lives in distinct areas, different places,diverse cultures and never seeing eachother had softened my heart.Anyways it was fragile the doctor would say.

I once again glanced into the crowd below,Naithl wasn't there-now it was right,the ideal mundane life expects this.Time was racing , only few moments were left for the ultimate death.My voice suddenly cracked.Naithl was right in front of me.I could see nothing more then....I think the other 8 were also there.
I don't know how or why but I flung my hands around him rambling all that came to my mind.It was far too difficult to keep it all to me for the past twelve years.I felt light at once even though I wept.Naithl hugged  me so tight-like we usually did and then whispered in my ears.My eyes lit at once and I was ready to escape.It was a funny moment, a sudden thought but you know I felt intensely and was far too impulsive!Naithl was taking me to the ice cream parlour we often went, I felt it was so right-half concerned of the timid Rashir.Once there we hopped to get the best new flavor they gave discounts on the month's first and now things got serious-far more than I could take.

Naithl took out a  platinum ring all shiny and new.I was taken aback,every guilt redeploying in me!I at once got furious but before I could leave Naithl caught my hand.He said in a calm brilliant posture,
"It took me twelve years to bring back your smile,now you will not leave!".I closely strained to look at the mark,. it had a stone missing.....it was the same old ring that I had lost.....not the new one.I wasn't sure if it was me but as I am impulsive,I did marry him.Rashir was a good guy but he could never know how intensity was not madness,how obsession was an expression.And here i am , I type with my platinum ring......one tha must never part!!!!!!!

ambitious me

Can ambition be a barrier to ambition?
"What an odd ques" said Adrid.
I so detest the feeling that creeps into oneself when you are in the mid of getting something and feeling confused about having it.

So, it does happen~
When all of a sudden,
a sudden offer -a dream job that expects you in a different location in 2days,
a sudden departure of innocent love,
a sudden life compelling decision,
a sudden exposure to adult manipulation,
a halt, a start, a stop or a pause,
and today when life is set to fly,
to break through the barriers that you always thought you wanted to drift by,
you don't know if it was all you want.
I don't know how to touch the inner heart,
to wriggle it -it's not the end,
there's more to achieve,
more to do,
and life is more to live!
The strong self who once proudly pronounced,
how denounced her dreams were,
are shaky of what is to come,
how the precious time has been wasted or dumped?

I was today given the job of a dreamer,
when i suddenly saw my sulking self,
what entirely took hold of my commanding self was unnamed
but something was wrong,
An untimely responsibility,
An unbelievably pensive mood set in,
And the fire seared my heart,
A question kept questioning me,
Was this all the end?
Was it worth what I lost?
Was my love lost in worth?
Was there a price of all those things I left behind,
Why does my mind go back to the life I've left,
The floors that have cracked,
The rivers that have tried,
Why do I dig the dried soul,
To savor the untimely leave,
To paint a new pic,
To bring the impossible,
To say the last words once again,
That I always miss....
But somewhere beneath this lies me,
Where the old soil smells fresh,
Where the heart is still humble,
Where the tears aren't dry,
Where life has a meaning more than bravery,
Where my missed last words are counted,
Where the me is not afraid of failure,
Where I don't need to prove anything,
And back there I will always return,
To the dearest of places,
Our home not house,
Where all dilemma shies,
Where I breadth again,
And looking into those huge gates,
think whether the things I left back may be waiting for me too..........



So I can thump my feet with the music on ....
may just...just once again

long live

Long live the soul that cries,
The window that creeks,
The bird that sings,
The milkman that comes,
The life that you reap;


The harp is sober,
The gentle wind blows,
The listener is bored,
Of the mundane day to go;
But sits here I,
The wannabe robot,
A slave to life,
Listening to the life around,
My ears are alive,
So touched by the not-so-mine life....
Wanting to be a part of it,
Living near but not being a part;

Sober life I ask you today,
Do we live or crave for what you donot give me?
Or is it meant to be this way?
The time never strikes here,
Destiny I know has a watch,
Have I crept into the wilderness of death?
Or have I met my fear?



The train surpasses me,
chuckles at my state,
Bringing back the wounds so fresh,
My laughter that hurts today,
I am old under the burden,
I feel like releasing it asap,
But destiny says life was meant to be so,
To live the burdens and smile in doing so;
I disagree....I smile at him,
When destiny cries I smirk at him,
For may be I cannot change my hands,
But I can make it a little more fun,
Everyday under a new era,
I wish to be a part of today,
To rethink the past,
To place it in today,
To undo my follies,
To redo my success stories,
And in between I donot know what I lose,
Some that I do know must never leave my thoughts,
They live in me,a part of me,
And here I am by the railway side,
A long wait for the left to come.....

Lost in the willows,
I repeat my question,
Do we live or crave for what you donot give me?
Or is it meant to be this way?
The time never strikes here,
Destiny I know has a watch,
Have I crept into the wilderness of death?
Or have I met my fear?
.....The hot air blows...A loud creek says another train is yet to come..